,,FRONT ,,POR* ,,TALES
    ,W>M-,HE>T$ ,/ORIES ( ,FAMILY1
       ,FAI?1 ,LAU<T]1 & ,LOVE

           0,PHILIP ,GULLEY

           ,"P #B ( #B ,"PS
       ,PAGES ;I-;IV & #FG-ACI


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          =MAT IS PROHIBIT$4

              ,PRODUC$ 9
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   ,COPY"R #BJJA 0,PHILIP ,GULLEY4

  ,? DOCU;T 0 PREP>$ 9 ,JI6Y-,BRL
7;,,TM71 A TRANSCRIP;N ME?OD :
BYPASSES PRO(R1D+ 9 ORD] 63S]VE
PRODUC;N "T & EXP5SE4 ,"! MAY 2 AN
O3A.NAL ]ROR1 B X %D N SIGNIFICANTLY
A6ECT R1D+4 ,IF X DOES1 WE WD
APPRECIATE 2+ NOTIFI$4








               ,,3T5TS            ;III

               ,,"P #B

                                 ,PAGE
,"P ,,II3 ,HE>? & ,HOME 73T47 """" #FG
  ,! ,SECOND ,* """""""""""""""""" #FG
  ,PRES5TS & ,PRES;E """"""""""""" #GJ
  ,MY ,CUP ,RUNNE? ,OV] & ,S
    ,DOES ,MY ,TOILET """""""""""" #GC
  ,GUYS """""""""""""""""""""""""" #GF
  ,FAMILY ,LIFE & ,O!R ,R1SONS
    ,JESUS ,N"E ,M>RI$ """"""""""" #GH
  ,3FES.NS """"""""""""""""""""""" #HB
  ,LIFE'S ,TOO ,%ORT """"""""""""" #HE
,"P ,,III3 ,OBS]V,NS """"""""""""" #HH
  ,! ,KIT*5 ,TA# """"""""""""""""" #HI
  ,TELEVI.N """""""""""""""""""""" #IB
  ,VOC,N """"""""""""""""""""""""" #IE
  ,TA/+ ,TE>S """""""""""""""""""" #II
  ,LIB]TY """"""""""""""""""""""" #AJB
  ,/UFF """"""""""""""""""""""""" #AJE
  ,": ,I ,/& """""""""""""""""""" #AJI
  ,! ,DOG ,:O ,WDN'T ,DIE """"""" #AAB
  ,S\L ,T5D+ """""""""""""""""""" #AAE
  ,SEEK+ & ,F9D+ """""""""""""""" #AAH
  ,EX]CISE """""""""""""""""""""" #ABB
  ,MIS]Y 6,JOY """""""""""""""""" #ABE
  ,TAK+ ,9V5TORY """""""""""""""" #ABI
  ,H>DW>E ,H1V5 """"""""""""""""" #ACB
  ,FAMILY ,VALUES """"""""""""""" #ACE



















        ,,FRONT ,,POR* ,,TALES     #FG

         ,HE>? & ,HOME 73T47

            ,! ,SECOND ,*

  ,:5 WE 7 EXPECT+ \R F/ *1 WE DECID$
WE WANT$ 6H FIVE *N4 ,!N \R F/ * 0
BORN1 & WE ?"\ TWO *N _H A NICE R+ 6X4
,WE 7 AT ! GROC]Y /ORE :5 WE DECID$ T4
,FIGUR$ IF ,GOD _H WANT$ U 6H M ?AN
TWO *N1 HE'D H MADE BI7] %OPP+ C>TS4
  ,!N WE 2CAME PREGNANT ) \R SECOND *4
,A FR TOLD U T SECOND PREGNANCIES
W]5'T NE>LY Z EXCIT+ Z F/ PREGNANCIES4
,WE ?"\ %E 0 T]RI# = SAY+ T1 B AF A
:ILE WE NOTIC$ %E 0 "R4 ,:5 \R F/
PREGNANCY TE/ CAME UP POSITIVE1 ,I
CALL$ A HUNDR$ ( MY CLOSE/ FRS4 ,:5 \R
SECOND PREGNANCY TE/ TURN$ P9K1 ,I
CALL$ MY !RAPI/4
  ,!N \R SECOND SON1 ,SAM1 0 BORN4 ,AT
? WRIT+ HE IS ?REE MON?S OLD4 ,:5 \R
F/ SON 0 ?REE MON?S OLD1 WE A4$ A ROOM
6H\SE 8 PHOTOGRAPH COLLEC;N4 ,AF ?REE
MON?S1 SON NUMB] TWO HAS "O ( ^? GO(Y
HOSPITAL PICTURES1 : LOOKS SUSPICI\SLY
L ! GO(Y HOSPITAL PICTURE ( \R F/ SON1
: MAKES ME ?9K X RE,Y ISN'T HM4 ,"S":
"!'S A FACTORY CRANK+ \ A DOZ5 DI6]5T
GO(Y BABY PICTURES1 &! NURSE J H&S Y
"O T RESEM#S YR KID4
  ,!N "!'S ! MATT] ( CLO?+4 ,F/ *N H A
W>DROBE T WD PUT ,ELIZABE? ,TAYLOR
6%AME2 SECOND *N TAKE AF ,J$
,CLAMPETT4 ,Y EV5 CAT* YRF TR1T+ ! *N
DI6]5TLY4 ,F/ BABIES Y TR1T L
PORCELA91 SECOND BABIES L ,TUPP]W>E4
,ONCE HE>D ,BRUCE ,LANSKY SAY T :5 8
F/ * DROPP$ 8 PACIFI]1 !Y BOIL$ X = T5
M9UTES4 ,:5 8 SECOND * DROPP$ H]
PACIFI]1 !Y TOLD ! DOG 6FET*4
  ,EV5 \R FRS TR1T \R SECOND *
DI6]5TLY4 ,:5 \R F/ SON 0 BORN1
?IRTY-FIVE P CAME 6VISIT U 9 !
HOSPITAL4 ,:5 * NUMB] TWO 0 BORN1 WE
GOT "O VISITOR1 B X 0 A MISTAKE4
,TURNS \ %E 0 LOOK+ =! FOLKS 9 ! NEXT
ROOM OV] :O 7 HAV+ _! F/ *4
  ,I MYF AM A F\R? *4 ,TOOK MY DAD
EI<TE5 YE>S 6LE>N MY "N4 ,GREW     #FI
UP ?9K+ MY "N 0 8,GL5N ''' ,I M1N1
,D\G ''' ,I M1N1 ,DAVID ''' ,I M1N1
,PHIL4 '''0 ,B ,I DON'T M9D 2+ A F\R?
*4 ,TRU? IS1 ,I K9D ( L X4 ,GAVE MY
P>5TS ! *.E 6TE/ _! !ORIES ON MY
BRO!RS & SI/]4 ,I L 6?9K ( !M Z R\<
DRAFTS4
  ,LOTS ( /ORIES 9 ! ,BI# AB SIBL+S4
,9 ! ,OLD ,TE/A;T1 ! F/BORN SON 9H]IT$
! :OLE %EBANG4 ,9 ! ,NEW ,TE/A;T1 !
/ORY *ANGES4 ,! ,GOSPEL ( ,LUKE TELLS
(A C]TA9 MAN :O _H TWO SONS4 ,TURNS \
X 0 ! SECOND :O GOT ! FATT$ CALF4
,PROBABLY 6MAKE UP =! H&-ME-D[NS4
  ,"O ?+ ,I'VE NOTIC$4 ,:5 ,I PRAY =
MY *N AT NI<T1 MY A6EC;N = EA* IS !
SAME4 ,I SUSPECT T'S H[ ,GOD M/ FEEL
TOO4 ,= HM1 E * IS A F/BORN4 ,Z ! OLD
S;G SAYS1 8,JESUS LOVES ! LL *N4 '''0
,EV5 ! SECOND "OS4




          ,PRES5TS & ,PRES;E

  ,:5 ,JOAN & ,I 7 EXPECT+ \R F/ *1 WE
RCVD ! USUAL W>N+S REG>D+ LACK (
SLEEP1 DIRTY DIAP]S1 & TEMP] TANTRUMS4
,/1 WE LOOK$ =W>D 62+ P>5TS4 ,T'S 2C
NO "O TOLD U AB BIR?"D "PIES4
  ,:5 \R OLDE/ SON NE>$ AGE ?REE1 WE
MISTAK5LY ASK$ HM :AT HE WANT$ = 8
BIR?"D4 ,AT F/1 ALL HE WANT$ 0 A
TRICYCLE4 ,WE ?"\ T 0 CUTE1 S WE MADE
A BIG D1L \ ( X4 ,?US 5C\RAG$1 HE ASK$
=! 5TIRE TOY DE"P;T AT ,WAL-,M>T4 ,A
FR ( \RS ) F\R KIDS LAU<$ :5 WE TOLD
H] AB ?4 ,%E SD \R F/ MISTAKE 0 TELL+
HM HE _H A BIR?"D4
  ,"O ( MY FRS HAS A DAU<T] A FEW
MON?S OLD] ?AN \R SON1 : IS ! WOR/
POSSI# ?+ T CD H HAPP5$ 2C !Y GIVE GRT
"PIES = _! *1 : GETS \RS PUMP$ UP =
HIS4 ,:5 _! DAU<T] TURN$ ?REE1 !Y
ACTU,Y R5T$ A PONY = H] BIR?"D "PY4 ,!
RE/ ( U 7 LIVID1 2C N[ WE WD H 6HIRE A
PONY = \R KIDS4 ,?ANK ,GOD1 ! PONY W5T
NUTS & BUCK$ A KID (F1 S MY SON
DOESN'T WANT ANY?+ 6D ) PONIES4    #GA
,I GUESS X'S TRUE T ALL ?+S "W TGR =
GD = ^? :O LOVE ! ,"L4
  ,!N "!'S ALW ! LL MATT] ( :OM 69VITE
6YR *N'S BIR?"D "PIES4 ,WE 9VITE A LOT
( P1 = TWO R1SONS4 ,F/1 ! M /UFF \R
KIDS GET F O!R P1 ! LESS WE H 6BUY4
,SECOND1 A LOT ( P H MADE U MAD1 & ?
IS A GD WAY 6PAY !M BACK4 ,L \R 8FR0
:O FAK$ A ,MEXICAN A35T & SD1 8,SORRY
NO SP1KA ,5GLI%10 :5 WE 7 CALL+ >.D
LOOK+ =A BABYSITT]4
  ,I "K A GUY :O'S A ,JEHOVAH'S
,WIT;S4 ,!Y DON'T CELEBRATE BIR?"D
"PIES4 ,:5 ,I ASK$ HM :Y1 HE SD X'S 2C
! ONLY BIR?"D "PY 9 ! ,BI# CO/ ,JOHN !
,BAPTI/ 8 H1D4 ,& "H ,I AM MOAN+ T MY
SON'S BIR?"D CO/ ME AN >M &A LEG4
  ,"O BIR?"D \R OLDE/ BOY GOT S _M
TOYS HE SAT 9 ! LIV+ ROOM & CRI$4 ,ALL
^? OP;NS OV]:ELM$ HM4 ,I "K H[ HE
FELT4 ,I FEEL T WAY :5"E ..,! ,&Y
,GRI6I? .,%[ & .,MURD] .,%E .,WROTE >E
ON AT ! SAME "T4
  ,:5 ,I 0 GR[+ UP1 ,I N"E _H A BIG
BIR?"D "PY4 ,"! 7 FIVE *N 9 MY FAMILY1
& ,MOM & ,DAD CDN'T AF=D ! EXTRAVAG.E4
,MOM TRI$ 6MAKE ?+S SPECIAL 0LETT+ !
BIR?"D * DECIDE :AT WE'D H = D9N]4 ,WE
?"\ T 0 A TR1T6 ,N[ MY WIFE & ,I >E S
TIR$ ( DECID+ :AT 6H = SUPP]1 WE'D EAT
MONKEY T;GUES IF "S"O %[$ UP 6COOK !M4
  ,Y PROBABLY WON'T L MY SAY+ ?1 B
,I'VE NOTIC$ A CORREL,N 2T ! SIZE (
BIR?"D "PIES & P>5TAL EMPLOY;T4 ,IF
BO? P>5TS "W1 A KID C PRETTY WELL C.T
ON HAV+ A BIG "PY4 ,I ?9K P>5TS D T
6MAKE UP = 2+ G"O S M*4 ,CALL ME
CRAZY1 B ,I 2LIEVE *N NE$ \R PRES;E M
?AN !Y NE$ \R PRES5TS4
  ,I'VE =GOTT5 ALM E PRES5T MY P>5TS
"E GAVE ME4 ,B ,I'LL N"E =GET T :5 ,I
TURN$ TWELVE MY DAD TOOK ME CANOE+ =
AN 5TIRE "D4 ,S "! >E PRES5TS & "! IS
PRES;E4 ,B.S$ >E ^? P>5TS :O LE>N !
F9] GIFT E>LY ON4




       ,MY ,CUP ,RUNNE? ,OV]1 &    #GC
         ,S ,DOES ,MY ,TOILET

  ,MY SONS BUY ME C>DS E YE> AT ,"F'S
,"D4 ,I PAY = !M1 B X'S ! ?"\ T C.TS4
,"O YE>1 MY C>D _H A /> ON X4 ,X 0
ACTU,Y A B> MITZVAH C>D1 B MY
TWO-YE>-OLD LIKES />S1 S T'S ! C>D ,I
GOT 6OP5 AT ! BR1KFA/ TA#4
  ,WE W5T OV] 6MY "F'S H\SE T AFN4
,MO/ "EY"O 9 ! FAMILY 0 "! 2C 9 MY
FAMILY1 IF Y DON'T %[ UP1 Y 2COME !
TOPIC ( 3V]S,N4 ,MY SECOND C\S9 WASN'T
"!1 S WE TALK$ AB HM4 ,HE'S A FAIRLY
"Y MAN B IS RETIR$ 2C HE'S FIL?Y RI*4
,WE 7 GLAD HE WASN'T "!1 S9CE WE'VE
BE5 WANT+ 6TALK AB HM =A L;G "T4
  ,N"O ( U L HM 2C HE'S N ONLY RI*1
HE'S HAPPY4 ,WE -E F A L;G L9E ( POOR
P :O'VE BE5 A# 65DURE POV]TY 02LIEV+ T
RI* P >E UNHAPPY S A P]SON IS BETT] (F
POOR4 ,B MY C\S9 HAS G"O & %ATT]$ T
MY?4 ,HE IS RI* & HAPPY1 : MAKES ! RE/
( U MIS]A#4
  ,WE TALK$ AB 8 H\SE4 ,HE IS M>RI$ &
HAS NO *N1 B 8 HOME HAS FIVE BA?ROOMS4
,MY GR&PA 0 BETT+ ! TOILET PAP] BILL
AL"O WD BR1K HM4 ,I C'T IMAG9E HAV+
FIVE BA?ROOMS4 ,\R H\SE HAS "O &A HALF
BA?ROOMS1 & J KEEP+ ^? GO+ C 2
BURD5"S4
  ,L ! WEEK AF ,"F'S ,"D1 :5 MY WIFE
WALK$ 96! BA?ROOM & NOTIC$ ! C>PET 0
DAMP1 & ,I TOLD H] N 6WORRY 2C X 0 J
HUMID;Y4 ,B ! NEXT "D1 ! WAT] 0 SQUI%+
UP 9 2T \R TOES4 ,X 0 LESS L HUMID;Y &
M L AN "UGR.D SPR+4
  ,!N ,I NOTIC$ T :5"E WE FLU%$1 WAT]
RAN D[N ! BACK (! TANK4 ,I'D N"E "W$
ON TOILETS 2F1 B ,I ?"\ X WD BUILD MY
"*1 : IS :AT P SAY :5 !Y'RE TOO *1P
6CALL A PLUMB]4 ,I "W$ ON X =A FEW
H\RS 2F /OPP+ 6TAKE A NAP4 ,: IS :5 MY
WIFE CALL$ A PLUMB] :O CAME & FIX$ X 9
FIVE M9UTES 9 EX*ANGE =! TITLE 6\R
H\SE4
  ,! ONLY -=T ,I TOOK 9 ALL ( ? 0 "K+
T MY C\S9 HAS FIVE TOILETS 6TAKE C>E
(1 : ,I ?9K IS ,GOD'S WAY ( T1*+ HM T
W1L? HAS XS 4ADVANTAGES4
  ,W1L? DOES H XS 4ADVANTAGES4     #GE
,N T ,I WD "K ? P]SON,Y1 B ,I SUSPECT
:5 Y'RE RI* Y'RE ALW WOND]+ :Y P 9VITE
Y 6"PIES4 ,D !Y L Y1 OR D !Y L YR
M"OY8 ,I N"E WOND] :Y P 9VITE ME
6"PIES4 ,X'S 2C !Y L MY WIFE4
  ,"!'S A /ORY 9 ! ,NEW ,TE/A;T AB A
RI* MAN4 ,"O "D1 HE ASK$ ,JESUS :AT X
TOOK 69H]IT ET]NAL LIFE4 ,JESUS TOLD
HM 6KEEP ! -M&;TS1 & :5 ! RI* MAN SD
HE'D D"O T1 ,JESUS TOLD HM 6SELL ALL
HE _H & GIVE ! M"OY 6! POOR4 ,&! GUY
/OOD >.D WAIT+ =! PUN* L9E4 ,EXCEPT
,JESUS WASN'T KI4+4 ,! ,BI# SAYS ! MAN
WALK$ AWAY SAD1 = HE 0 V RI*4
,P]SON,Y1 ,I DON'T ?9K HE 0 RI*4 ,I
?9K HE 0 ! POORE/ (! POOR4
  ,LET'S TALK AB RI*4 ,E YE> AT ,"F'S
,"D1 ,I GET B> MITZVAH C>DS4 ,I LOVE
MY WIFE1 & %E LOVES ME4 ,GOT S _M FRS
\R H\SE C'T HOLD !M1 AN ICEBOX FULL (
FOOD1 & TWO TOILETS4 ,H['S T = W1L?8
  ,MY TOILET MAY RUNNE? OV]1 B S DOES
MY CUP4

                ,GUYS

  ,:5 ,I 0 SIX YE>S OLD1 MY P>5TS GAVE
ME A RIFLE = ,*RI/MAS4 ,X 0 A POP GUN1
: !Y 3SID]$ H>M.S1 : IS :Y !Y B"\ X =
ME4 ,:AT !Y _HN'T C.T$ ON 0 A BOY'S
CAPAC;Y 6TURN EV5 ! MO/ 9NOCU\S OBJECT
96AN 9/RU;T ( VIOL;E4 ,:ILE X 0 TRUE T
! GUN CDN'T FIRE A BULLET1 X DID MAKE
"O HECK (A CLUB1 : ,I LE>N$ :ILE 5GAG+
MY BRO!R 9 H&-TO-H& -BAT4
  ,%ORTLY AF T1 MY "M GREW 3C]N$ AB W>
TOYS & WDN'T BUY U ANY M GUNS4 ,T 0
F9E ) U1 S9CE 0!N WE _H 4COV]$
FOOTBALL4 ,MR4 ,SMI!RMAN 0 MY FOOTBALL
COA*4 ,I DON'T REMEMB] M* AB HM1
EXCEPT T HE 0 ALW YELL+ AT U 6KILL !
O!R T1M4 ,T 0 ON ,SATUR"DS4 ,ON
,SUN"DS HE TAU<T ,SUN"D S*OOL1 MO/LY
/UFF F ! ,OLD ,TE/A;T AB ,GOD SMIT+ P4
  ,ALL ( ? 0 D"O1 ( C\RSE1 6PREP>E U
GUYS =! 8R1L0 _W1 : WD *EW U UP & SPIT
U \ IF WE W]5'T T\<4 ,:AT X ACTU,Y DID
0 TURN U 969S5SITIVE BRUTES ^: IDEA (
5T]TA9;T 0 MAK+ BODY NOISES ) \R
>MPITS4                            #GG
  ,!N X CAME "T = U 6DATE1 & WE _H 6BE
S5SITIVE1 : 6U M1NT N LAU<+ \ L\D AT
,B>RY ,MANIL[ S;GS4
  ,!N WE W5T AWAY 6COLLEGE & 2GAN BA?+
REGUL>LY1 : HELP$ U P]SUADE DELICATE
"Y LADIES 62COME \R BRIDES4 ,S WE GOT
M>RI$ & W5T BACK 62+ SLOBS4
  ,B !N WE _H *N4 ,& "O ,SATUR"D
MORN+1 \R WIVES WOKE UP1 GAVE U !
^!->E-YR-KIDS-TOO LOOK & SD1 8,I'M GO+
\ TD1 S Y'LL NE$ 6WAT* ! KIDS40 ,:
M1NT WE _H 6BE-->R7H6 ,I HATE ? ^W--
NURTUR+4
  ,YES1 T'S "R1 WE _H 6BE NURTUR+1 :
M1NT WE _H 6S+ NURS]Y S;GS 6\R *N4 ,?
IS H>D] ?AN X S.DS4 ,"MS C D ? 2C !Y H
A NURS]Y S;G G5E4 ,EV5 ?\< WE GUYS >E
AT A 4ADVANTAGE 9 ? DE"P;T1 ,I 0 PL1S$
6SEE MY SONS RESPOND FAVORABLY 6,3WAY
,TWITTY4 ,!N ! UN?9KA# HAPP5$4 ,MY
WIFE WANT$ 6/>T "W+ \TSIDE ! HOME E
AFN4 ,& %E WANT$ ME 6/AY HOME )! KIDS4
,? 0 N 9 \R M>RIAGE 3TRACT1 B ,I CDN'T
GET \ ( X 2C ! ALT]NATIVE WD H M1NT
"W+4
  ,S N[ ,I /AY HOME ALM E AFN ) MY
SONS4 ,AT F/1 ,I F.D X EMB>RASS+ :5 ,I
_H 6EXPLA9 6ANO!R GUY T ,I CDN'T D
"S?+ 2C ,I _H 6WAT* MY SONS4 ,S ,I'D
SAY ?+S L 8,C'T MEET Y !N2 MY BOYS &
,I >E GO+ 6"W ON ! C> T AFN40 ,S :AT
IF X 0 A ,LEGO C>8
  ,!N ! O4E/ ?+ HAPP5$3 ,I CAU<T MYF
5JOY+ X4 ,:5 ,I R1LIZ$ ?1 ,I 0 HOLD+
,SAM ON MY LAP1 & HE SMIL$ 8 T5-WEEK
SMILE AT ME1 & ,I ?"\ H[ T B1T ANY
MO;T ,I'D "E SP5T ON ! GOLF C\RSE4
  ,I KNEW IF ,I GREW 9 ! ,*RI/IAN FAI?
? WD HAPP5--T "O "D T5D];S WD W9 \4
,"S (! GUYS DON'T "U/& ?1 B ,I DON'T
M* C>E4 ,I / DON'T TELL !M ,I H 6WAT*
MY SONS4 ,N[ ,I TELL !M ,I GET TO1 Z
IF X'S A SPECIAL TR1T4 ,& X IS4

         ,FAMILY ,LIFE & ,O!R
      ,R1SONS ,JESUS ,N"E ,M>RI$

  ,S"EAL YE>S AGO1 MY AUNTS MADE _!
ANNUAL SPR+ VISIT 6MY FOLKS' H\SE4 ,WE
7 SITT+ ON ! FRONT POR* :5 !Y      #GI
M5;N$ H[ NICE X WD 2 6H A FAMILY
REUNION 2F MY GR&"M W5T 6GLORY4 ,I
LOOK$ AT ,DAD4 ,I CD TELL HE WASN'T
WILD AB ! IDEA 2C HE 0 /ICK+ 8 F+] D[N
8 ?ROAT & MAK+ A GA7+ S.D4 ,B !Y
APPLI$ A LL SI/]LY PRESSURE1 & )9 A
WEEK 9VIT,NS 7 SPE$+ 6! H9T]L&S4
  ,! REUNION 0 HELD A FEW MON?S LAT]4
,WE _H M ?AN A HUNDR$ P "!1 9CLUD+ MY
GR&"M1 :O 0 S CLOSE 6MEET+ H] ,MAK] T
"S ( MY FAMILY 7 TELL+ H] :AT !Y WANT$
:5 %E DI$4
  ,"EYBODY 0 SAY+ H[ NICE X 0 T %E GOT
6SEE ALL ! FAMILY 2F %E PASS$4 ,B ,I'M
N S SURE X 0 ALL T GRT A -=T4 ,Y SEE1
MY GR&"M 0 A DIGNIFI$ LADY4 ,LIV$ A GD
D1L ( H] LIFE 9 ,5GL&4 ,AFN-TEA-)-
P9KY-F+]-\ K9D ( LADY4 ,S ,I DON'T ?9K
%E 0 "PICUL>LY SOO!D :5 MY ?IRD C\S9S
PLAY$ 8,DUEL+ ,BANJOS0 ON _! >MPITS4
  ,MY SECOND C\S9 0 A S*OOL SUP]9T5D5T
2F HE RETIR$4 ,HE'S K9D (! FAMILY H]O4
,"EYBODY HAS A LOT ( RESPECT = HM4 ,A
V ?"\;L MAN1 FILL$ ) WISDOM & S.D
JUDG;T1 : HE DEMON/RAT$ 0/AY+ HOME4
  ,I H ANO!R C\S9 :O HAS A DOCTORATE4
,HE LIVES 9 ,*ICAGO & DOES RESE>* =A
UNIV]S;Y4 ,HE GOES 6,S\? ,AM]ICA A
LOT1 B ,I'M N SURE :Y4 ,TRU?;LLY1 ,I
DON'T ?9K HE'S A R1L DOCTOR 2C :5 ,I
ASK$ HM 6PLAY GOLF HE DIDN'T "K H[4
  ,MY GOD"F 0 "!4 ,HE'S ! RI*E/ P]SON
9 \R FAMILY & AL AN A!I/1 : ,I DIDN'T
?9K GODP>5TS 7 ALL[$ 6BE4 ,FUNNY ?+
IS1 N"O ( U "KS H[ HE GOT 8 M"OY4 ,"O
( MY RELATIVES ?9KS HE SELLS DRUGS4
,"S"O ELSE M5;N$ T HE SELLS 9SUR.E1
?\< T'S H>DLY AN IMPROVE;T4
  ,!N "!'S MY GR&"F4 ,HE'S N ON MY
DAD'S SIDE (! FAMILY1 B S9CE HE LIVES
NE>BY1 HE CAME J ! SAME4 ,HE 0 ORIG9,Y
F ,BELGIUM B SAIL$ 6,AM]ICA :5 HE 0 A
BOY4 ,:5 HE 0 A "Y MAN1 HE DAT$ ,G5E
,HACKMAN'S "M1 : M1NS ,G5E ,HACKMAN CD
H BE5 MY "F IF ,GR&PA _H M>RI$ H]4 ,T
M1NS ,I'D H 5D$ UP 9 ,HOLLYWOOD KISS+
/>LETS1 : WD H CO/ ME MY JOB Z A
,QUAK] PA/OR & GOTT5 ME 9 TR\# ) MY
WIFE4 ,S ,I GUESS X ALL "W$ \ =! BE/4
  ,I DON'T "K IF ,JESUS "E         #HA
ATT5D$ A FAMILY REUNION4 ,! ,BI# M5;NS
T HE ONCE W5T 6A W$D+4 ,8 "M 0 "!1
TOO1 S X 0 PROBABLY A FAMILY A6AIR4
,!Y RAN \ ( DR9KS HALFWAY "? !
RECEP;N1 S ,JESUS TOOK "S WAT] & TURN$
X 96W9E4 ,EXCEPT 9 ! ,BAPTI/ ,BI#1 ":
HE TURN$ X 96GRAPE JUICE4
  ,JESUS SD "S 3FUS+ ?+S AB FAMILY
LIFE4 ,ON ! "O H&1 HE TOLD U 6LOVE "O
ANO!R4 ,B ANO!R "T1 AT L1/ AC 6,LUKE1
,JESUS SD NO "O CD 2 8 4CIPLE UN.S HE
HAT$ 8 FAMILY4 ,P]H T 0 ,JESUS' WAY (
SAY+ T WE'RE 6PUT HM 2F "EY"O ELSE4
,OR MAYBE HE _H J HE>D 8 ?IRD C\S9
PLAY 8,DUEL+ ,BANJOS0 ) 8 >MPIT & HE
M1NT X LIT],Y4
  ,:O "KS :AT ,JESUS M1NT 0T8 ,I D "K
?1 ?\<4 ,! M ,I "W ON LOV+ ,JESUS1 !
EASI] X 2COMES 6LOVE MY FAMILY4 ,MAYBE
XS RE,Y A MATT] ( PUTT+ F/ ?+S F/4 ,:5
WE LOVE ! WAY ( ,JESUS F/1 WE'RE !N
SU6ICI5TLY EQUIPP$ 6LOVE \R FAMILIES4
,EV5 ?IRD C\S9S ) TAL5T GALORE4

               ,3FES.NS

  ,I GREW UP ,ROMAN ,CA?OLIC AT ,SA9T
,M>Y'S ,*UR* 9 ,DANVILLE4 ,"F
,MC,LAU<L9 0 ! F/ PA/OR ,I REMEMB]4
,HE 0 H>D ( HE>+1 S :5 WE 3FESS$ \R
S9S1 WE _H 6%\T !M \ L\D =! GD "F
6HE>4 ,X 0 9 ? WAY T ,I 0 9TRODUC$
6HUMAN DEPRAV;Y--SITT+ 9 ! BACK PEW
OV]HE>+ ADMIS.NS ( S9 & VICE4
  ,MY F/ 3FES.N TOOK PLACE :5 ,I 0
SEV5 YE>S OLD4 ,I CDN'T ?9K ( ANY?+
63FESS1 IGNOR.E ( P]SONAL S9 &
%ORTCOM+ 2+ "O ( MY Y\?;L
PECULI>ITIES4 ,N WANT+ 64APPO9T ,"F
,MC,LAU<L91 :O SEEM$ S EAG] 63F]
=GIVE;S1 ,I MADE UP S9S 63FESS4 ,! F/
WEEK ,I 3FESS$ 6CALL+ MY SI/] A DIRTY
"N1 ?\< ,I RE,Y _HN'T1 = 6H D"O S WD H
ASSUR$ MY SL[ & PA9;L D1?4 ,! NEXT
WEEK ,I 3FESS$ 64OBEY+ MY P>5TS1 : AG
0 ABSURD1 = 4OB$I;E 0 SIMPLY N ALL[$ 9
\R HOME4 ,0! ?IRD WEEK1 X O3URR$ 6ME T
,I CD TRU?;LLY 3FESS 6LY+1 & ,I W5T
63FES.N PL1S$ T ,I WD F9,Y "K !
EXQUISITE PL1SURE ( AU!NTIC S9     #HC
3FESS$4
  ,"F ,MC,LAU<L9 LI/5$ 6MY ADMIS.N (
S9 & ASSIGN$ A P5.E3 ?REE 8,\R ,"FS02
?REE 8,HAIL ,M>YS02 !N G 6! P]SON 6:OM
,I _H LI$1 ADMIT MY UNTRU?1 & ASK =
=GIVE;S4 ,! F/ TWO 7 EASY1 B S9CE HE 0
! "O 6:OM ,I _H LI$1 ! ?IRD PIECE 0 A
BIT TRICKY4 ,I WASN'T SURE :AT !
P5ALTY 0 = LY+ 6A PRIE/1 B ,I KNEW X
_H 6BE /IFF4 ,WD ,I H 6G 6! ,POPE'S
(FICE8 ,I _H SE5 ! ,POPE'S PICTURE
HANG+ 9 \R *UR*1 & HE LOOK$ L A S*OOL
PR9CIPAL1 /]N & =BI4+4 ,X 0 ? DILEMMA
T F/ TURN$ MY EYES T[>D ! ,QUAK]S1 A P
9 \R T[N "KN = _! T5D5CY 6G EASY ON
_SUAL R5EGADES L MYF4
  ,MY RECORD ( 3FES.N DID N IMPROVE :5
,I 2CAME A ,QUAK] & 0 GLA45$ 6LE>N T
PUBLIC ADMIS.N ( S9 0 NEI EXPECT$ NOR
DESIR$4 ,O3A.N,Y AN EVANGELI/ WD VISIT
& DESCRIBE 8 LIFE ( S9 2F HE MET !
,"L4 ,WE ,QUAK]S WD GR[ AL>M$1 ?9K+ HE
MI<T 9VITE U 6RECIPROCATE4 ,S9 0 N
"S?+ 6BE 3FESS$1 X 0 "S?+ 6KEEP HI454
,:Y SP5D A LIFE"T BUILD+ A REPUT,N (
VIRTUE1 ONLY 6%OOT YRF 9 ! FOOT )
PUBLIC 3FES.N8
  ,? IS :Y ,I 0 S />TL$ :5 A ,QUAK]
WOMAN ACTU,Y ROSE DUR+ \R MEET+ =
WOR%IP & 3FESS$ H] S94 ,%E ADMITT$
6ALL TYPES ( SORDID ACTIV;Y & 9VIT$ U
6PRAY = H]1 : WE DID4 ,AFW1 %E APPE>$
REFRE%$1 H] PUBLIC 3FES.N A %[] = H]
S\L4 ,! RE/ ( U LEFT WOR%IP WEI<$ D[N1
Z IF ! TAX ( H] S9 7 *>G$ 6U4 ,? 0 \R
FAULT1 N H]S1 S9CE WE 7 RELUCTANT 6LET
H] S9 S9K 9 ! SEA ( ,GOD'S =GET;L;S4
,9/1D WE KEPT X AFLOAT 0?9K+ ON X "T &
AG4 ,I YE>N$ = MY ,CA?OLIC "DS :5 S9
3FESS$ 0 S9 =GOTT5--& =GIV54
  ,WE %OCK S EASILY4 ,WE OGLE FALL5
SA9TS Z IF S9 7 TRULY A R>;Y1 AN
UNUSUAL BIRD PAY+ U A VISIT : S5DS U
SCURRY+ 6A BOOK 6ID5TIFY S* AN ALI5
?+4 ,>E ,,TV PR1*]S ! ONLY "OS :O /
2LIEVE T ALL H S9N$ & FALL5 %ORT (
,GOD'S GLORY8 ,9 \R WOR%IP (
SELF-E/EEM1 H WE TURN$ A BL EYE 6S9 &
3SEQU5TLY 6! REFRE%+ T\* ( DIV9E
AMNE/Y8                            #HE
  ,? ,I DESIRE3 6SIT ONCE M ON ,SA9T
,M>Y'S BACK PEW1 OV]HE>+ ! /1DY RHY?M
( S9 & GRACE4 ,N 6GLOAT1 B R 6M>VEL AT
A P'S 3FID;E 9 ,GOD'S SURE P>DON4

          ,LIFE'S ,TOO ,%ORT

  ,I ONCE SP5T A PL1SANT EV5+ 9 !
-PANY ( FRS :O ?"\ MY "F _H J PASS$
AWAY4 ,I _H G"O 6A *UR* GA!R+ 6HE> A
FR SP1K1 & P CAME UP 6ME 6ASK H[ ,I 0
DO+4 ,N 9 ! USUAL WAY WE ASK P H[
!Y'RE DO+1 :5 WE'RE 2+ POLITE & RE,Y
DON'T C>E 6HE>1 B 9 A S9C]E WAY ) _!
H&S ON MY %\LD] & _! VOICES FUN]AL
S(T4
  ,AT F/1 ,I ?"\ !Y 7 J SUCK+ UP 6ME1
S9CE A FEW WEEKS 2F A RUMOR _H
CIRCULAT$ T ,I _H -E 96"S M"OY1 :
WASN'T TRUE4 ,I _HN'T REFUT$ X1 ?\<1
2C IF Y'RE GO+ 6H A RUMOR FLOAT+ >.D
AB Y1 T'S A GD "O4 ,X SURE B1TS ALL !
O!R RUMORS AB ME1 MO/ ( : >E TRUE4
  ,!N A MAN SAT D[N 2S ME1 L1N$ OV]1 &
SD1 8,I'M SORRY AB YR "F40 ,I _H TALK$
) MY DAD T V AFN B GREW AL>M$ AT ! ?"\
T "S?+ CD H HAPP5$ 6HM 9 ! %ORT H\RS
S9CE4 ,X WD 2 L MY "M 6=GET 6CALL ME
IF "S?+ _H HAPP5$4 ,I 0 SITT+ "! 2+
MAD AT MY "M1 :5 ! MAN SD1 8,I R1D AB
X 9 YE/]"D'S PAP]40 ,:AT _H HAPP5$ 0 T
A MAN ) MY "F'S "N _H DI$ &! SURVIVORS
9CLUD$ A SON ) MY "N4
  ,P F ?REE DI6]5T *UR*ES _H PRAY$ =
ME T MORN+4 ,IF Y C "E >RANGE X
6EXP]I;E T M* -PAS.N )\T HAV+ 6SU6] !
PA9 (A LOV$ "O'S PASS+1 ,I 5C\RAGE Y
6TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE ( X4 ,X 0 A
SPL5DID EV5+4
  ,OH1 "! 7 A FEW DRAWBACKS4 ,"O GUY1
:OM ,I ?"\ 0 MY FR1 DIDN'T SAY A ^W
6ME4 ,! M ,I ?9K AB T1 ! MA4] ,I GET4
,IF 8 "F _H DI$1 ,I'D H SD "S?+ 6HM4
,X TAKES "S?+ L ? 6%[ Y :O YR R1L FRS
>E4
  ,! O!R DRAWBACK IS HAV+ 6EXPLA9 6P T
YR "F IS ALIVE & WELL AF !Y'VE G"O \
ON AN EMO;NAL LIMB 6EXPRESS _! SORR[4
,Y C SEE H[ !Y MI<T 2 EMB>RASS$4 ,X'S
H>D 6TALK ) "S"O :O HAS EXP]I;ED   #HG
A LOSS1 S AF Y'VE BE5 A -=T 6"S"O X'S
NATURAL 6FEEL GD AB YRF4 ,I HAT$ 6D5Y
!M T FEEL+1 S AF A :ILE ,I /OPP$
EXPLA9+ & />T$ ?ANK+ !M = _! K9D;S4 ,X
SEEM$ ! NO#R GE/URE4 ,NATUR,Y1 ,I'LL H
6SET ! RECORD /RAI<T "S"D1 B N UNTIL
FOLKS H /OPP$ DROPP+ FOOD (F AT !
H\SE4
  ,I CALL$ MY DAD & TOLD HM HE 0
SUPPOS$ 6BE D1D4 ,HE ?"\ X 0 PRETTY
FUNNY & SD X EXPLA9$ :Y P AT ! GROC]Y
/ORE _H />$ AT HM T "D4 ,MY MOM DIDN'T
LAU< & ?"\ WE 7 SICK = JOK+ AB X4 ,I'D
HATE 6BE A "M4 ,!Y EXHAU/ !MVS TRY+
6CIVILIZE U1 & WE REPAY !M 0WAT*+ .,!
.,?REE .,/OOGES & LETT+ \R PANTS RIDE
HALFWAY D[N \R BOTTOMS4
  ,N"E!.S1 ? :OLE EPISODE HAS HELP$ ME
APPRECIATE -PAS.N & ^? :O %[ X4 ,I'VE
DECID$ ,I WANT 6BE NUMB]$ AM;G !M4
,I'VE AL DECID$ 6=GIVE ! FR :O MADE NO
EF=T 63SOLE ME4 ,AF ALL1 LIFE'S TOO
%ORT4 ,J ASK MY DAD4

              ,OBS]V,NS

  ,:5 ,I 0 N9E YE>S OLD1 WE MOV$ F A
RAN* H\SE 6A RAMBL+1 TURN-(-!-C5TURY
H\SE ACR T[N4 ,! LA/ ?+ ! MOV]S PACK$
7 \R BICYCLES1 : M1NT !Y 7 ! F/ 6-E (F
! TRUCK4 ,I P$AL$ M9E NEXT DOOR 6MEET
! NEI<BORS1 :OM ,I 0 SURE WD H A
N9E-YE>-OLD BOY J WAIT+ 6%[ ME !
NEI<BORHOOD ROPES4 ,:AT ,I GOT 9/1D 0
A ,QUAK] WID[ "ND ,MRS4 ,DRAP]4
,9ITI,Y1 ,I FELT GYPP$4 ,B AF A :ILE1
:5 %E 2GAN TURN+ \ POPCORN BALLS &
COOKIES1 ,I R1LIZ$ ,I _H HIT ! "M
LODE4
  ,MRS4 ,DRAP]--WE CALL$ H] ,MAWGA--
PASS$ ! "T SITT+ ON H] POR* SW+ TELL+
/ORIES AB \R T[N & H[ X US$ 6BE4
,MAWGA TOLD H[ \R H\SE _H BE5 BUILT 0A
,CIVIL ,W> VET]AN Z A GIFT 6HIS
DAU<T]4 ,%E / CALL$ X ! ,HOLL[ELL H\SE
AF ! P :O _H LIV$ 9 X BACK 9 !
#AICJ'S4
  ,IF Y LI/5$ CLOSE 6,MAWGA1 Y'D PICK
UP AN 9SI<T OR TWO AB "R LIV+4 ,MAWGA
0 C>E;L 6SAY T %E DIDN'T PR1*1     #HI
%E MADE 8OBS]V,NS40 ,9 T _S1 ,I (F] A
FEW OBS]V,NS4 ,I HOPE Y F9D !M Z
HELP;L Z ,I F.D ,MAWGA'S4

            ,! ,KIT*5 ,TA#

  ,MY HO2Y IS WOOD"W+ & HAS BE5 =A
NUMB] ( YE>S4 ,MY =AY 96WOOD 2GAN :5
WE NE$$ A KIT*5 TA# & MY WIFE SU7E/$
,I BUILD "O4 ,WE 7 L[ ON M"OY1 & ,I 0
2T COLLEGE & GRADUATE S*OOL & _H ! "T4
,I'D N"E BUILT ANY?+ 2F1 B A KIT*5 TA#
SEEM$ Z GD A PLACE 6/>T Z ANY4
  ,MY GR&"F _H A "W%OP SET UP 9 !
FAMILY B>N4 ,I'D G "! 9 ! MORN+1 TURN
ON ! H1T]1 & WALK >.D SNI6+ ! "W%OP
ODORS4 ,GR&PA _H LUBRICAT$ ! DRILL
PRESS ONCE A MON? S9CE #AIEJ1 & ,I CD
SMELL NE>LY =TY YE>S ( OIL BUILDUP 9 !
CORN] ": X SAT4 ,OV] 0! TA# SAW ,I
SMELL$ SAWDU/4 ,AF A :ILE ,I 2CAME A
SAWDU/ 3NOISSEUR & CD TELL ! DI6];E 2T
P9E SAWDU/ & *]RY SAWDU/4 ,"! >E FEW
SC5TS M PL1SANT4 ,! DOG SLEPT 9 !
"W%OP1 & ,I CD SMELL H]1 TOO1 WET &
/AGNANT1 L ! POND US$ 6SMELL ) XS
,AUGU/ COAT ( SCUM4
  ,X TOOK ME ! MON? ( ,FEBRU>Y 6BUILD
! TA#4 ,I CD H D"O X QK]1 B 2+ TUCK$
AWAY 9 ! B>N :ILE W9T] BLA/$ AWAY
\TSIDE 0 S PL1SANT X MADE ME WANT
6DWELL ON T PAGE Z L;G Z ,I CD4 ,9
,M>*1 ,I TOOK ! TA# \TSIDE 2N ! TREES1
NEXT 6! CROCUSES T 7 PU%+ UP1 & S&$ X
D[N4 ,GR&PA CAME 0& TAU<T ME H[ 6USE
SLIV]S ( GLASS 6PLANE ! JO9TS SMOO?4
,T'S AN OLD WOOD"W]'S TRICK ,I N"E WD
H PICK$ UP ON MY [N4
  ,I SP5T A WEEK MASSAG+ FIVE COATS (
TUNG OIL 96! WOOD4 ,X TAKES A L;G "T
6GET ! F9I% "R ON A PIECE ( FURNITURE1
B Y C'T HURRY X1 OR ! FLAWS W %[1 &
ALL YR H>D "W W 2 = NO?+4 ,WOOD"W+ IS
A GD WAY 6LE>N T DO+ "S?+ WOR?:ILE
TAKES "T4 ,X IS POSSI# 6MAKE A TA# 9 A
HURRY4 ,X IS N POSSI#1 H["E1 6MAKE A
TA# WOR? PASS+ ON 6YR GR&*N 9 A HURRY4
  ,MY WIFE & ,I WRAPP$ ! TA# 9
BLANKETS1 LOAD$ X UP 9 ! TRUCK1 &
C>RI$ X HOME4 ,%E GAVE ME A        #IA
BRASS PLATE1 5GRAV$ ) MY "N &! YE>1
6M.T ON XS "UBELLY4 ,T'S S :5 MY *N'S
*N PLAY "UN1? X !Y'LL 2 A# 6SEE :5
,GR&PA BUILT X4
  ,I WANT$ 6BUY *AIRS 6MAT*1 B WE
DIDN'T H ! M"OY S WE MADE D4 ,?\< E "T
WE'D G 96AN ANTIQUES /ORE1 WE'D KEEP
\R EYES PEEL$4 ,I EV5 ?"\ AB MAK+
*AIRS1 B BUILD+ A GD *AIR IS
EXTRAORD9>ILY DI6ICULT & "T-3SUM+4 ,I
CD BUILD A BAD *AIR 9 A "D4 ,AF SIX
YE>S ( HAUNT+ ANTIQUES /ORES1 WE F.D
F\R *AIRS4 ,0!N1 "TS 7 BETT]1 & WE
TOOK !M HOME4 ,EA* IS Z F9E A *AIR Z C
2 _H1 & ,I 9T5D 65JOY MYRIAD E>S (
,JULY SWEET CORN :ILE SITT+ 9 !M4
  ,A FR CAME = D9N] N L;G AGO4 ,HE
ASK$ ME ": ,I _H B"\ MY TA#1 & ,I TOLD
HM ,I _H MADE X4 ,HE WANT$ ME 6MAKE HM
"O1 B ,I TOLD HM NO4 ,A MAN HAS 6BE
C>E;L N 6LET 8 HO2Y 2COME 8 BUSI;S4
,HE 0 TALK+ AB H[ 8 KIT*5 TA# IS ="E
FALL+ A"P & LA;T+ ! %O4Y NATURE ( TD'S
CRAFTSMAN%IP4 ,P SLAPP+ ?+S TGR 9 FIVE
M9UTES EXPECT+ !M 6LA/ A LIFE"T4
  ,WE GOT 6TALK+ AB H[ T ISN'T ONLY
TRUE AB FURNITURE1 X'S TRUE AB LIFE4
,FOLKS GET 4C\RAG$ 2C ,GOD DOESN'T
MAKE !M SA9TS OV]NI<T4 ,!Y DON'T "U/&
ALL ! YE>S ( ,GOD-"W T G 96MAK+ "O'S
LIFE A ?+ ( B1UTY--A LOT ( %AP+1 A LOT
( SMOO?+1 A LOT ( F9I%+4 ,& IF WE RU%
! PROCESS1 ! FLAWS W SURELY %[4
  ,ONCE A WEEK ,I RUB A COAT ( LEMON
OIL 96MY TA#4 ,X REM9DS ME T MY TA# IS
N"E RE,Y F9I%$4 ,K9D ( L ME4

              ,TELEVI.N

  ,! ,SMI?S LIV$ ACR F U :5 ,I 0 GR[+
UP4 ,!Y 7 ,P5TECO/ALS & 2LIEV$
TELEVI.N ROTT$ ! S\L4 ,!Y SD X 0 F !
DEVIL4 ,!Y AL HELD T OP9ION AB
,CA?OLICS & MADE E EF=T 63V]T U 6_!
WAY ( ?9K+4 ,_! *UR* 0 UP ON ,L9COLN
,/REET4 ,ON ,SUN"D NI<TS1 MY FRS & ,I
WD RIDE \R BICYCLES OV]1 SIT "UN1? !
W9D[S1 & LI/5 6! GO+S-ON4 ,X DIDN'T
S.D L ANY?+ WE 7 HE>+ AT ,SA9T ,M>Y'S
,CA?OLIC ,*UR*4 ,MY BRO!R W5T      #IC
ONCE1 & HE CAME HOME TALK+ AB P DANC+
9 ! AISLES & M5 PLAY+ GUIT>S4 ,I CD
SEE ": TELEVI.N WD 2 ANTICLIMACTIC4
  ,! ,SMI?S 7 ! ONLY FAMILY ,I KNEW
)\T TELEVI.N UNTIL ,I MET MY FR ,JIM4
,8 FAMILY'S TELEVI.N _H BROK51 & !Y
CDN'T AF=D 6REPLACE X4 ,S !Y ?REW X
AWAY & />T$ SAV+ =A NEW "O4 ,B 0! "T
!Y'D RAIS$ ! M"OY1 !Y'D DECID$ N 6WA/E
X ON A NEW TELEVI.N SET4 ,I CDN'T
IMAG9E GO+ )\T TELEVI.N4 ,I ASK$ HM
:AT !Y DID AT NI<T4 ,HE SD HE & 8 WIFE
R1D A LOT & _! KIDS PLAY$ BO>D GAMES4
,!N !Y W5T 6B$ AT SEV5 O'C4
  ,%ORTLY AF T1 MY WIFE & ,I R1D "S
>TICLES AB H[ DE/RUCTIVE TELEVI.N C 2
9 ! =M,N ( VALUES4 ,WE 7 EXPECT+ \R F/
* &1 9 A FIT ( PRE-P>5T 3C]N1 GAVE \R
,,TV AWAY4 ,!N "O ( \R FRS ?"\ WE
CDN'T AF=D A ,,TV1 S HE & 8 WIFE GAVE
U "O ( _!S4 ,T 0 ALM F\R YE>S AGO4 ,WE
PUT X 9 ! CLOSET B TAKE X \ E ,SUN"D
NI<T 6WAT* ..,! ,&Y ,GRI6I? .,%[4 ,!
RE/ (! WEEK WE R1D OR G =A DRIVE 9 !
C.TRY OR SIT \TSIDE ON ! POR* SW+ &
VISIT :ILE ! KIDS PLAY4
  ,I'M 2G9N+ 6"U/& T ,,TV IS L A DRUG4
,:5 WE F/ GOT RID ( \RS1 ,I EXP]I;ED
)DRAWAL SYMPTOMS4 ,I 0 $GY & CRA2Y & \
( SORTS4 ,N[ ,I C'T /& ANY TELEVI.N1
EXCEPT = ,&Y & ,B>NEY & ,OPIE4 ,MO/LY1
X /RIKES ME Z A BUCKET ( SL1ZE4
  ,I SUSPECT A LOT ( FOLKS FEEL T WAY4
,SEEMS "EY": Y TURN "SBODY IS RAIL+
AG/ TELEVI.N--F P>5TS 6PA/ORS
6POLITICIANS4 ,!Y WANT ,HOLLYWOOD
6CL1N UP XS ACT4 ,HOLLYWOOD SAYS !Y'RE
J %[+ X L X IS4 ,M1N:ILE1 VIOL;E IS
SP9N+ \ ( 3TROL1 & \R S*OOLS >E
GRADUAT+ KIDS :O C'T R1D A JOB
APPLIC,N1 LET AL"O A F9E BOOK4 ,A LOT
( SM>T P LAY ? AT ! FEET ( TELEVI.N4
  ,? IS "O PRO#M ^: SOLU;N IS A
NO-BRA9]4 ,/OP :9+1 UNPLUG YR TELEVI.N
SET1 & PUT X 9 ! CLOSET4 ,TAKE X \
ONCE A WEEK 6WAT* ,&Y OR ANY O!R
PROGRAM T EMBRACES ! VALUES Y HOLD
DE>4
  ,FOLKS1 NO "O'S HOLD+ A GUN 6\R
H1DS4 ,NO "O'S SAY+1 8,WAT* ?1     #IE
OR ELSE40 ,IF YR KIDS DON'T L X1 T\<4
,"H'S ": !Y />T LE>N+ !Y C'T H "EY?+
!Y WANT4 ,& IF !Y KEEP -PLA9+1 H& !M A
BOOK4 ,IF YR SP\SE PUTS UP A FUSS1 !N
F9D "S?+ 6D TGR T IS M -PELL+ ?AN
WAT*+ .,ROSEANNE4 ,T %DN'T 2 TOO
DI6ICULT4
  ,I WD ASK Y 6EXCUSE MY PAS.N ON ?
SUBJECT1 ?\< ,I'M N A%AM$ ( X4 ,A "D
SC>CELY PASSES T ,I DON'T -E ACR "S
S$5T>Y S\L ^: LIT]>Y TA/ES G NO FUR!R
?AN .,,TV .,GUIDE4 ,! WA/E ( POT5TIAL
APPALLS ME4 ,! ,SMI?S1 B.S _!
,P5TECO/AL HE>TS1 7 "R4 ,TELEVI.N DOES
KILL \R S\LS4 ,& X'S N TOO GD = \R
BRA9S1 EI4

                ,VOC,N

  ,! F/ JOB ,I "E _H 0 DELIV]+
NEWSPAP]S4 ,I _H TW5TY-SIX CU/OM]S1 B
X TOOK M ?AN TWO H\RS 6DELIV] ! PAP]S4
,I 0 RAIS$ 62LIEVE T X'S POLITE
69QUIRE AF A P]SON'S H1L? :5 Y SEE HM4
,TR\# WAS1 ALL MY CU/OM]S 7 ELD]LY4
,:5 ,I ASK$ !M H[ !Y 7 FEEL+1 !Y TOLD
ME4
  ,I DID T = ?REE YE>S1 !N ,I QUIT 6M[
LAWNS & D ODD JOBS4 ,ONCE1 AF A
SN[/ORM1 ,I E>N$ TW5TY DOLL>S %OVEL+ \
! WID[S ON \R /REET4 ,I %[$ ! M"OY 6MY
DAD1 & HE MADE ME TAKE X BACK4 ,HE SD
X WASN'T "R 6TAKE M"OY F WID[S4 ,I
LE>N$ F T EXP]I;E4 ,! NEXT "T X SN[$1
,I S5T MY LL BRO!R \ 6%OVEL4
  ,:5 ,I 0 SIXTE51 ,I W5T AWAY =!
SUMM] 6"W AT A N,NAL P>K4 ,I E>N$
FIFTY DOLL>S A WEEK1 PLUS ROOM & BO>D4
,WE SP5T ! SUMM] HELP+ 6R5OVATE A
HI/ORICAL BUILD+4 ,I MET MY F/ GIRLFR
"!4 ,"E S9CE !N1 ,I'VE _H A W1K;S =
WOM5 9 H>D HATS4
  ,!N ,I CAME HOME & GOT A JOB "W+ 9 A
GROC]Y /ORE4 ,I US$ 6SACK GROC]IES &
PUT CANN$ GDS \4 ,I ALM W5T AWAY
6COLLEGE 62COME A GROC]Y /ORE MANAG]1
B MY DAD ADVIS$ AG/ X4 ,HE SD T ! H\RS
7 L;G &! PAY WASN'T ALL T GRT4 ,S ,I
2CAME A M9I/] 9/1D4 ,I'M GLAD MY DAD 0
LOOK+ \ = ME4                      #IG
  ,:5 ,I GRADUAT$ F HI< S*OOL1 ,I "W$
= AN ELECTRIC UTIL;Y = FIVE YE>S4 ,I
OP]AT$ BIG -PUT]S4 ,I HAT$ X4 ,6? "D1
,I WON'T [N A -PUT]4 ,P LOOK AT ME
FUNNY :5 !Y F9D \ ,I DON'T L -PUT]S4
,ONCE ,I TRI$ WRIT+ ON "O1 &! -PUT] _H
! GALL 6SU7E/ T ,I USE "O ^W 9 PLACE (
ANO!R4 ,I DON'T L -PUT]S TELL+ ME :AT
6D4 ,T'S :AT P>5TS >E =4
  ,I QUIT MY -PUT] JOB1 GOT M>RI$1 &
/>T$ COLLEGE4 ,DUR+ COLLEGE1 ,I _H A
BUN* ( DI6]5T JOBS4 ,"O SUMM] ,I GOT A
JOB )! /ATE HI<WAY PICK+ UP D1D
ANIMALS AL;G ! ROAD4 ,I ALW M5;N T 9
JOB 9T]VIEWS S PROSPECTIVE EMPLOY]S W
"K ,I'M WILL+ 6D ANY?+ 6E>N A LIV+4
  ,:ILE ,I 0 9 COLLEGE1 ,I 0 HIR$ 0A
C.TRY *UR* 6BE _! PA/OR4 ,AF WOR%IP ,I
WD F9D GROC]Y SACKS ( SWEET CORN 9 MY
C>4 ,PLUS1 ONCE A MON? WE'D ?R[ A
PIT*-IN D9N]4 ,I 0 "! = F\R YE>S &
GA9$ TW5TY P.DS4 ,"O YE> AT ,*RI/MAS
!Y GAVE ME A H&-/IT*$ QUILT4 ,I C'T
IMAG9E A G5TL] WAY 69ITIATE A "Y PA/OR
96M9I/RY ?AN KEEP+ FOOD 9 8 /OMA* &
QUILTS ON 8 B$4
  ,N[ ,I PA/OR A *UR* 9 ! C;Y4 ,BE5 "H
SIX YE>S4 ,NO QUILT YET1 B FREE
BABY-SITT+ & TE>S :5 WE MISC>RI$ & P S
T5D] !Y MAKE ,"M ,T]ESA LOOK L A
SLACK]4 ,I HOPE ,GOD KEEPS ME "H A L;G
"T4
  ,I'VE MET A LOT ( P 9 MY LIFE"T1 &
OV] ! YE>S ,I'VE _H A LOT ( P B>E _!
S\LS 6ME4 ,3SEQU5TLY1 ,I'VE =M$ A FEW
9SI<TS 96:AT 3/ITUTES ! GD LIFE4 ,! F/
IS ?3 ,N"E ASK P H[ !Y'RE DO+ UN.S Y
RE,Y WANT 6"K4 ,! SECOND IS ?3 ,F9D A
VOC,N T USES YR ,GOD-GIV5 GIFTS1 OR
Y'LL 2 A MIS]A# WRET* (A HUMAN 2+4
  ,T'S ! ,GOD'S TRU?4 ,I "K A GUY :O'S
A JANITOR4 ,HE IS ?OR\<LY 3V9C$ T ,GOD
HAS CALL$ HM 6BE A JANITOR1 & HE LOVES
X4 ,HE DOESN'T MAKE M* M"OY1 B HE'S "O
(! HAPPIE/ P]SONS ,I "K4 ,HE "W$ R1L
H>D 6PUT 8 *N "? COLLEGE4 ,S !Y W5T
D[N 6,BLOOM+TON 6! /ATE COLLEGE1 & N[
!Y E>N A TON ( M"OY1 B N"O ( !M >E Z
HAPPY Z _! "F4 ,IF Y H 6*OOSE 2T
FOLL[+ M"OY OR FOLL[+ YR HE>T1 G   #II
) YR HE>T4
  ,"! >E "S *OICES WE MAKE T _C 2
CORRECT$4 ,SQU&]+ YR LIFE 9 A JOB T
%RIVELS YR S\L ISN'T "O ( !M4 ,USE YR
GIFTS4 ,FOLL[ YR HE>T4

             ,TA/+ ,TE>S

  ,:5 MY WIFE & ,I F/ M>RI$1 WE LIV$
UP/AIRS 9 AN OLD H\SE [N$ 0A MORTICIAN
:O GAVE U A R5T BR1K E "T ,I HELP$ HM
BURY "S"O4 ,EV5TU,Y1 !Y TORE ! H\SE
D[N1 S9CE 9 ,AM]ICA X'S EASI] 6?R[
"S?+ AWAY ?AN 6FIX X4
  ,WE MOV$ 96AN OLD F>MH\SE )
?\S&-DOLL> H1T+ BILLS & WRAP>.D
POR*ES4 ,! H\SE SAT 9 ! MI4LE ( FIVE
HUNDR$ ACRES ( CORN & B1NS4 ,CAME )A
B>N1 A *ICK5 COOP TURN$ G>AGE1 &A
SMOKEH\SE4 ,S9CE ,I DON'T SMOKE1 WE
PUT \R BICYCLES "!4 ,! H\SE AL CAME )A
:OLE TRIBE ( B>N CATS1 "O ( :OM SLIPP$
"? ! SCRE5 DOOR1 UNPACK$ 8 CAT
SUITCASE1 & SET UP H\SEKEEP+4 ,WE "ND
HM ,:ITTI]1 AF ! ,QUAK] POET1 & TRA9$
HM 6HIDE E "T ! L&"L CAME >.D *ECK+ =
VIOL,NS4
  ,\R NEI<BOR _H A CAT "ND ,CR1M
,R9SE4 ,H[ T "N CAME 962+ IS AN
5TIRELY DI6]5T /ORY4 ,LET ME J SAY X
MADE NO DI6];E 6! CAT :O1 L MO/ CATS1
DIDN'T -E :5 HE 0 CALL$ ANYWAY4 ,! CAT
,I _H Z A * CAME :5 ,I CALL$ X1 B ONLY
:5 ,I RAN A C OP5] AT ! SAME "T4
,:AT'S M IMPORTANT 6"K IS T ,CR1M
,R9SE & ,:ITTI] 7 NE>LY ID5TICAL 9
APPE>.E1 EXCEPT =A SMALL :ITE SPOT ON
,:ITTI]'S *94
  ,WE DIDN'T H ANY *N AT ! "T & 3SID]$
,:ITTI] \R 8BABY40 ,S :5 ,I 0 LY+ 9 !
BA?TUB "O MORN+ & HE>D MY WIFE WAIL &
GNA% H] TEE?1 ,I KNEW "S?+ _H HAPP5$
6,:ITTI]4 ,SURE 5\<1 "! _H BE5 A
FEL9E-AUTO 5C.T] (! WOR/ K9D ON ! ROAD
9 FRONT ( \R H\SE4 ,2+ ! "O ) BURIAL
EXP]I;E1 X FELL 6ME 65TOMB HM \ BACK
"UN1? ! WALNUT TREE4 ,EXCEPT ,I DIDN'T
H A %OVEL1 S ,I _H 6BORR[ \R NEI<BOR'S
AT SIX O'C 9 ! MORN+1 : WOKE H] UP4
,2+ ! "M ( ,CR1M ,R9SE1 %E 0      #AJA
MO/ "U/&+4
  ,?REE "DS LAT]1 ,I 0 SITT+ ON ! POR*
SW+ R1D+ 8,DE> ,A2Y0 7,DE> ,A2Y1 ,I H
NEI<BORS :O BORR[ MY LAWN TOOLS AT ALL
H\RS (! "D4 ,:AT %D ,I D871 & ,:ITTI]
JUMP$ ON MY LAP1 :ITE SPOT & ALL4
,RESURREC;N6 ,HALLELUJAH6 ,TURNS \
,:ITTI] _H G"O 6VISIT REL,NS =A FEW
"DS1 & X 0 ,CR1M ,R9SE ,I'D BURI$4
,P]H Y'RE WOND]+ H[ ,I CD H MADE S* A
MISTAKE4 ,I W SIMPLY M5;N T :5 D1L+ )
FLATT5$ FEL9E1 "O DOESN'T LOOK TOO
CLOSELY = ID5TIFY+ "*I/ICS4
  ,N[ CAME ! H>D "P4 ,I _H 6TELL MY
NEI<BOR X 0 H] CAT :O'D US$ UP 8 N9E
LIVES4 ,& ,I _H 6D X )\T LAU<+1 X 2+
UNWISE 6*UCKLE :5 GIV+ D1? NOTICES4
,I'D LE>N$ T F MY OLD L&"L4 ,B C]TA9
ASPECTS ( ? SEEM$ S HUMOR\S1 A *ORTLE
&A TITT] SLIPP$ "R \4 ,: 3FIRM$ H]
SUSPICION T ,I 0 AN UNFEEL+ CLOD4
  ,TURNS \ ,CR1M ,R9SE _H GOTT5 8 "N F
,SATUR"D NI<T BA?S4 ,S !Y _H A HI/ORY1
& %E _H "S TE>S 6%$4
  ,BE5 "TS ,I'VE WOND]$ H[ O!RS C 2 S
HAPPY :5 ,I'M S MIS]A#4 ,!N O!R "TS
,I'VE WOND]$ H[ ,I C SMILE :5 O!R
FOLKS >E CRY+ BUCKETS4 ,& H[ LL ^?
TE>S M1N 6ME "S"TS4
  ,( ALL ! TRAITS WE NE$ 6CULTIVATE1
EMPA?Y IS ! T\<E/4 ,T'S :5 "SBODY'S
CRY+ B "S"O ELSE IS TA/+ TE>S4 ,MO/ (
U DON'T TA/E ANY"O'S TE>S B \R [N4 ,&
WE WOND] :Y \R S\LS DRY UP4
  ,S TD ,I ASPIRE T[>D EMPA?Y1 = TA/+
TE>S O!R ?AN MY [N4 ,& ,I'M GO+ 6/>T )
MY NEI<BOR1 :OM ,JESUS -M&$ ME 6LOVE1
:E!R %E LOANS ME H] LAWN TOOLS OR N4

               ,LIB]TY

  ,:5 \R FR'S *N 7 WAI/-HI< & />T+
PEEWEE L1GUE1 MY WIFE & ,I WD TAKE !
LAWN *AIRS OV] & WAT* A LL BASEBALL ON
SUMM] EV5+S :5 ! %AD[S 7 L;G4 ,PEEWEE
,L1GUE IS S]I\S /UFF 9 \R NECK (!
WOODS--MAT*+ %IRTS1 BIG WADS ( BUB#
GUM1 & TELL+ ! UMPIRE HE'S BL4 ,& T'S
J ! P>5TS4
  ,JOAN & ,I 7 WAT*+ ON ,FRI"D    #AJC
NI<T :5 ,ROB91 A FIVE-YE>-OLD GIRL1
/EPP$ UP 6BAT4 ,?REE FEET TALL1 FIFTY
P.DS1 & SUN-BLOND HAIR4 ,H] "F 0 !
HOME PLATE UMPIRE T NI<T1 X 2+ 8 TURN4
,HE WAT*$ Z 8 LL GIRL KNOCK$ ! DIRT F
! BOTTOM ( H] %OES J L ! BIG L1GU]S4
,8 LL GIRL4 ,FIVE YE>S AGO1 HE'D C>RI$
H] HOME F ! HOSPITAL 9 A FUZZY
BLANKET1 CRAZY ) LOVE4 ,N[ %E 0 P.D+
HOME PLATE & AIM+ =! \TFIELD4 ,": _H
"T G"O8
  ,N[ HE 0 ! UMPIRE4 ,MR4 ,OBJECTIVE4
,MR4 ,I-H-NO-*N-S-DON'T-EXPECT-A-
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ACTU,Y HIT ! BALL2 %E 0 ALW A SECOND
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"KS :AT MI<T HAPP58 ,H] "F W1K5$ A BIT
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YR EYE ON ! BALL4 ,REMEMB] :AT ,I
TAU<T Y40
  ,! PIT*] PIT*$ & ,ROB9 SWUNG4 ,WOOD
MET L1!R1 A TRICKLE (A HIT D[N ! ?IRD
BASE L9E1 & ,DAD W5T CRAZY4 ,=GOT ALL
AB IM"PIAL;Y4 ,HE JUMP$ UP & YELL$1
8,RUN1 H"OY1 RUN40 ,& ,ROB9 RAN4 ,%E
RAN L %E _H N"E RUN 2F1 L %E _H
ROCKETS /RAPP$ 6H] %OES4 ,%E RAN
/RAI<T OV] ! PIT*]'S M.D 6SECOND BASE4
,SKIPP$ F/ BASE4 ,=GOT ALL AB X4
  ,%E] B$LAM4 ,ROB9 ON SECOND BASE
JUMP+ UP & D[N1 HI<-FIV+ "O & ALL1
BASK+ 9 JOY4 ,P>5TS ON ! SIDEL9ES 7
JUMP+ UP & D[N1 TOO1 B = R1SONS O!R
?AN JOY4 ,! ADULTS GA!R$ AT HOME PLATE
=A HI<-LEVEL 3F];E1 ?UMB+ "? _! DOGE>$
RULE BOOKS4 ,C'T SKIP F/ BASE4 ,GOT
6BE A RULE AG/ T "S":4 ,AF A :ILE1
,DAD WALK$ OV] 6HIS LL SLU7] & CALL$
H] \1 :ILE ! ADULTS 3T5T$ !MVS T
JU/ICE _H PREVAIL$4
  ,9 ^! "DS ( MORAL CL\DI;S1 WE'RE
TEMPT$ 6?9K RULES W 2 \R SALV,N4 ,B A
/U2ORN DEVO;N 6RULES C KILL JOY 9 A
SNAP4 ,L ! "T :5 ,JESUS H1L$ ! MAN ON
! ,SA2A? &! ,PH>ISEES CRI$ F\L4
  ,SA9T ,AUGU/9E ONCE SD1 8,LOVE ,GOD
) ALL YR HE>T1 S\L1 /R5G?1 & M9D2 &
LOVE YR NEI<BOR Z YRF4 ,!N D ANY?+ Y
WANT40 ,? IS LIB]TY EX]CIS$ )9    #AJE
LOVE'S B.D>Y4 ,LOVE ,GOD & NEI<BOR1 !N
D ANY?+ Y WANT4 ,T GIVES LOVE & JOY
ALL K9DS ( ROOM 6W1VE _! SPELL4
  ,IRONY IS1 LOVE & RULES H ! SAME
GOAL--HELP+ FOLKS GET AL;G4 ,?\< LOVE
DOES X "? ! PULL (! HE>T :ILE RULES
ATTEMPT X )! TWI/ (! >M4 ,DON'T GET ME
WR;G2 ,I'M N AN AN>*I/4 ,RULES H _!
PLACE ON LIFE'S RO/]4 ,I J ?9K LOVE &
JOY "\ 6L1D ! WAY4

                ,/UFF

  ,MY GR&PA -ES 6MY H\SE TWICE A YE>4
,I M1SURE 8 WELL-2+ 0H[ L;G X TAKES HM
6WALK UP ! SIDEWALK4 ,I'VE LIV$ "H SIX
YE>S1 & 8 WALK "T HAS D\#D4 ,T'S N A
GD SIGN4
  ,HE WALKS IN1 SITS D[N1 LOOKS >.D1 &
SAYS1 8,I LOVE ? H\SE10 ?\< HE N"E
SAYS :Y4 ,IS X ! FURNITURE8 ! CR1M
WALLS8 ! BEIGE C>PET8 ,:O "KS8 ,GR&PA
C]TA9LY ISN'T SAY+4 ,B ,I "K H[ HE
FEELS4 ,I LOVE MY H\SE TOO4 ,X'S !
CLOSETS4 ,\R H\SE HAS LOTS ( CLOSETS &
TWO EXTRA ROOMS WE DON'T USE EXCEPT :5
WE H -PANY1 : M1NS WE H A LOT ( SPACE
6/ORE \R /UFF4
  ,I LOVE /UFF & H A LOT ( X1 EV5 ?\<
,I'M A ,QUAK] :O 2LIEVES 9 LIV+
SIMPLY4 ,WE H TWO C\*ES1 "O LOVE S1T1
& FIFTE5 *AIRS4 ,FIFTE5 *AIRS MAY SEEM
L A LOT ( *AIRS 6Y1 B ,I SIT 9 MO/ (
!M ONCE A "D1 EXCEPT =! *AIR 9 !
LAUNDRY ROOM1 : IS COV]$ ) DRY] L9T4
,"O (! *AIRS 9 MY LIV+ ROOM IS M ?AN
#AEJ YE>S OLD4 ,:5"E WE H GUE/S1 !
H1VIE/ P]SON 9V>IABLY GRAVITATES T[>D
X4 ,I SP5D ! :OLE VISIT ON ! $GE ( MY
*AIR R1DY 6L1P =W>D & CAT* ! P]SON !
MO;T ! *AIR COLLAPSES 9 A H1P4
  ,9 A4I;N 6! FIFTE5 *AIRS 9SIDE1 WE H
A POR* SW+1 ?REE LAWN *AIRS1 & TWO
,ADIRONDACK *AIRS \TSIDE4 ,T'S S :5"E
,I'M WAT*+ MY WIFE D Y>D"W1 ,I'LL H A
-=TA# PLACE 6SIT4
  ,WE H ?REE KIT*5 TA#S1 F\R 5D TA#S1
?REE C(FEE TA#S1 TWO DESKS1 &A TYP+
TA# WE DON'T USE ANYMORE4 ,PLUS A
TYPEWRIT]1 TWO ^W PROCESSORS1 &   #AJG
M ?AN ?IRTY P5S & P5CILS 9 ! DRAW] 6!
LEFT (! KIT*5 S9K4 ,ON ! (F *.E ,I'M
/RUCK )A ?"\1 ,I WANT A WRIT+ SURFACE
& 9/RU;T CLOSE AT H&4 ,I AL H A G>D5+
TA# 9 ! G>AGE &A "W%OP TA# 9 ! BASE;T4
,MO/LY !Y'RE COV]$ ) HALF-F9I%$
PROJECTS T ,I'M GO+ 6WRAP UP "O ( ^!
"DS :5 ,I'M N S BUSY4
  ,I H TWO BICYCLES1 ?\< ,I C RIDE
ONLY "O AT A "T4 ,MY WIFE & *N H BIKES
TOO4 ,EXCEPT = ,SAM1 :O'S ONLY "O4 ,HE
RIDES ) MY WIFE4 ,WE ALL H HELMETS1 :
M1NS WE NE$ %ELVES 6/ORE !M ON4 ,I H
SIX SETS ( %ELVES--TWO 9 ! BASE;T &
F\R 9 ! G>AGE4 ,!Y'RE FULL (
HALF-EMPTY PA9T CANS4 ,I H EI<TE5 (
^?4
  ,WE H ?REE SETS ( DI%ES1 ?\< WE USE
ONLY "O4 ,!Y'RE MADE 0,CORELLE4 ,WE'VE
US$ !M = TWELVE YE>S & >E SICK & TIR$
( !M1 B !Y'RE TOO NICE 6?R[ AWAY4 ,MY
AUNT GAVE !M 6U ON \R W$D+ "D4 ,IF
,I'D "KN WE 7 GO+ 6BE /UCK ) !M ? L;G1
,I WDN'T H S5T H] A ?ANK-Y NOTE4
  ,WE H ELEV5 LAMPS1 F\R FLA%LI<TS1
TWO CAMP+ LANT]NS1 &A K]OS5E LAMP4 ,(!
F\R FLA%LI<TS1 ONLY "O "WS1 B "O ( MY
BOYS HID X1 S :5 ,I NE$ A FLA%LI<T ,I
USE \R PIANO LAMP &A L;G EXT5.N CORD4
,PLUS WE H TWO BOXES ( C&LES &A BOOK (
MAT*ES F A FUN]AL HOME4 ,I DON'T ?9K
FUN]AL HOMES "\ 6GIVE MAT*ES AWAY1
S9CE MO/ P USE !M 6LI<T CIG>ETTES4
,X'S H>D 62LIEVE FUN]AL DIRECTORS C>E
= U Z M* Z !Y CLAIM TO1 :5 !Y'RE PASS+
\ MAT*BOOKS "R & LEFT4
  ,! LA/ "T ,I SAW MY GR&PA1 HE 0
TALK+ AB ALL ! /UFF HE WANTS 6GIVE ME
:5 HE DIES4 ,I HOPE HE LIVES A L;G "T1
S9CE ,I'M 9 NO MOOD 6MOVE4 ,Z FUN Z X
IS 6H ALL MY /UFF1 X'S AL A R1L DRAG4
,I'M S BUSY T5D+ MY /UFF1 MY S\L GETS
DU/-COV]$4 ,AN OLD GOSPEL HYMN CALLS ?
2+ 8RI* 9 ?+S & POOR 9 S\L40
  ,! SOLU;N 6? PRO#M ISN'T 6GIVE ALL
\R /UFF AWAY4 ,!N ,GR&PA DIES1 & WE'RE
BACK ": WE />T$4 ,:AT WE NE$ 6D IS
FIGURE \ :Y WE WANT /UFF 62G9 )4
,MO/LY X GETS D[N 6?9K+ X W MAKE U
HAPPY4 ,: X DOES1 B ONLY =A       #AJI
:ILE1 !N WE NE$ M /UFF4
  ,Z ,I SEE X1 ! ONLY WAY \ IS D1?4
,OR 4CIPLE%IP1 : -ES F ! ^W 84CIPL9E40
,AT L1/ T'S :AT MY DIC;N>Y SAYS4 ,& ,I
%D "K1 S9CE ,I H FIVE ( !M4

              ,": ,I ,/&

  ,JAY1 A FR ( M9E1 ONCE OBS]V$ T !
ONLY ?+ X TAKES 6MAKE AN 9SANE ASYLUM
IS AN EMPTY ROOM &! "R P4 ,HE SD ?
DUR+ A *UR* MEET+1 : CAUS$ ! RE/ ( U
6WOND] :AT HE 0 IMPLY+4
  ,I'VE ALW PRID$ MYF ON MY ROBU/
M5TAL H1L?4 ,?IRTY-F\R YE>S OLD & NO
BR1KD[N1 AT L1/ N YET4 ,MY WIFE SD ,I
CAME CLOSE ONCE4 ,T 0 ! AUTUMN
,SATUR"D WE W5T 6,NA%VILLE--A SMALL
T[N ?REE C.TIES D[N ": ,GOD W5T
OV]BO>D ) FALL L1VES4 ,2+ A PLACE (
B1UTY 9 A PLA9 ,JANE /ATE1 ,NA%VILLE
RCVS M VISITORS ?AN ,4NEYL&4 ,/1 X'S
GD 6G "! AT L1/ ONCE A YE>1 IF ONLY
6BE REM9D$ :Y WE DON'T LIVE 9 ,LOS
,ANGELES4
  ,I SUSPECT X 0 ! C> EXHAU/ FUMES T
4RUPT$ MY ?"\ PROCESSES & -PELL$ ME
6TAKE A %ORTCUT 6,NA%VILLE4 ,WE 5D$ UP
TEMPOR>ILY MISPLAC$ 9 A LL T[N CALL$
,PUMPK9 ,C5T]4 ,X _H A
GAS/GROC]Y/VIDEO/,ELVIS MEMORABILIA
/ORE4 ,I W5T 9SIDE 6ASK DIREC;NS4 ,?1
DESPITE MY "F'S CLE> T1*+ N"E 6ASK
DIREC;NS F ANY"O ) ?REE F/ "NS4
  ,S ,I ASK$ ,BILLY ,BOB ,CLYDE H[
6GET 6,NA%VILLE4 8,WELL1 Y G OV]
6,CECIL ,HOPP]'S PLACE & TURN "R1 !N Y
TAKE A LEFT AT ,SKEET] ,HODGE'S F>M1
!N G /RAI<T AH1D 'TIL Y R1*
,NA%VILLE40
  ,N[ ,I "K :Y OLD] FOLKS /ICK -PASSES
ON _! DA%BO>DS4
  ,WE F9,Y MADE X 6,NA%VILLE4 ,SIMPLY
CLIMB$ A TREE & LOOK$ =! SMOG4 ,GOT "!
9 "T 6BUY "S ICE CR1M &A G5U9E RU2]
TOMAHAWK = \R !N TWO-YE>-OLD1 :O HAS
S9CE SCALP$ TWO CATS &A ,*IHUAHUA4
  ,I SAW MY GR&PA ! NEXT "D & TOLD HM
AB \R TRIP4 ,HE'S 9 ! ,FELL[%IP (
,-PASS ,C>RI]S4 ,ALW "KS "R ":    #AAA
HE IS & "R ": HE'S H1D$4
  ,I US$ 6LAU< AT HM & CALL HM
,COLUMBUS4 8,HEY1 ,COLUMBUS1 H['S LIFE
ON ! ,N9JA1 ! ,P9TO1 &! ,AVE ,M>IA80
,HE'D GIVE ME A BLANK />E4 ,MY GR&PA
MAY N "K 8 HI/ORY1 B HE N"E GETS LO/4
  ,TRU? 2 TOLD1 ,I "S"TS 5VY FOLKS L
MY GR&PA1 FOLKS :O H ? SIX? S5SE 3C]N+
! LIFE-PA? !Y NE$ 6TAKE4 ,Z = ME1 ,I
SP5D A LOT ( "T ROAM+ ! BACK ROADS1
N"E C]TA9 :AT ,I ?9K AB ?+S MO/ FOLKS
>E CLE> ON4
  ,MY GR&PA EYEBALLS 8 -PASS1 & D[N !
ROAD HE GOES4 ,NO SITU,NAL E?ICS = HM1
0GOLLY4 ,"R IS "R1 WR;G IS WR;G1 & LET
! *IPS FALL ": !Y MAY4 ,I'M M (A
ON-!-"O-H&-?-B-ON-!-O!R-H&-T K9D (
GUY4
  ,? C CAUSE PRO#MS :5 Y'RE A M9I/]4
,FOLKS EXPECT ME 6"K "R ": ,I /&1
ESPECI,Y 9 *UR* MEET+S4 ,I DON'T "K
:AT ? PRESUMES AB M9I/]S1 B ,I'M N
5C\RAG$4
  ,I'LL TELL Y ": ,I /&4 ,I /& =
9TEGR;Y &= ]R+ ON ! SIDE ( GRACE &=
R1D+ 6YR *N4 ,OH1 Y1H1 &= /AY+ HOME ON
,SATUR"DS 9 ! FALL4

       ,! ,DOG ,:O ,WDN'T ,DIE

  ,! PRO#M ) DOGS IS _! POOR S5SE (
TIM+4 ,TAKE ,BLUE1 = 9/.E1 :O 2L;GS
6"S FRS ( M9E4 ,!Y CLAIM ,BLUE IS AN
,AU/RALIAN ,BLUE ,HEEL]1 ?\< ,I H NO
WAY ( V]IFY+ ?1 S9CE ,I "K NO O!R
,AU/RALIAN ,BLUE ,HEEL]S4 ,I'M TAK+ MY
FRS' ^W ON ?1 :O H PROV5 6BE H"O/ 9
ALL O!R MATT]S4 ,BLUE IS SEV5 YE>S
OLD1 : IS "Y = AN ,AU/RALIAN ,BLUE
,HEEL]1 "S ( :OM LIVE TW5TY-FIVE YE>S4
,T'S #AGE YE>S 6Y & ME4 ,!Y >E !
,ME?USALEHS ( DOGS4
  ,BLUE GOT SICK LA/ YE>4 ,H] /OMA*
2GAN 6SWELL1 & MY FRS ?"\ %E 0
PREGNANT4 ,? 0 A R1SONA# ASSUMP;N4 ,9
A4I;N 6_! POOR S5SE ( TIM+1 DOGS H
9CR$IBLY LOOSE MORALS & MATE R
9DISCRIM9ATELY4
  ,!Y TOOK ,BLUE 6! VET]9>IAN4 ,HE
TOLD !M ,BLUE 0 V SICK & WD       #AAC
LIKELY DIE4 ,!N HE TR1T$ ,BLUE1 *>G$
!M A MON/R\S SUM ( M"OY1 & S5T ,BLUE
HOME 6DIE4 ,( C\RSE1 MY FRS 7 SAD &
2GAN 6PAMP] ,BLUE4 ,WE D H A T5D5CY
6SPOIL LOV$ "OS :O >E SICK4 ,?9K (!
LA/ "T Y SAW A KID ) POLIO GET SPANK$4
,SEE :AT ,I M1N8
  ,B Z ,I SD1 MO/ DOGS H POOR TIM+4 ,?
IS C]TA9LY TRUE ( ,BLUE4 ,SIX MON?S AF
H] D1? S5T;E1 ,BLUE LIVES ON4 ,%E IS !
H1L?IE/ DY+ DOG ,I'VE "E SE54 ,N[1
HAV+ BE5 SPOIL$ = S L;G1 ,BLUE HAS LO/
ALL S5SE ( 4CIPL9E4 ,%E *EWS ON CLO!S
& GIVES H] [N]S A SULL5 LOOK :5 !Y
TELL H] 6D "S?+4 ,9 A ^W1 ,BLUE HAS
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:O CAME =A WEEK'S VISIT & /AY$ A YE>4
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,N[ !Y >E OV] _! GRIEF & WI% ,BLUE _H
! DEC5CY 6EXPIRE4 ,UNTIL %E DOES1 _!
LIVES >E ON HOLD4 ,!Y C'T TAKE A VAC,N
2C !Y'D H 6PUT H] 9 A K5NEL4 ,IF %E
DI$ 9 "S SMALL CAGE SURR.D$ 0/RANG]S1
!Y'D FEEL T]RI# =! RE/ ( _! LIVES4
,!Y'RE 9 A R1L FIX4 ,? IS :Y DOGS >E S
9FURIAT+4 ,A CAT WD H ! GD S5SE
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  ,N[ MY FRS >E UPSET ) ,BLUE4 ,I "K
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:5 ,I 0 LL4 ,HE CAME CLOSE 6DY+4 ,!N
HE GOT BETT] B N 2F CAUS+ U 6MISS \R
SUMM] VAC,N4 ,T MADE ME S MAD4 ,IF HE
0 GO+ 6MAKE U MISS \R SUMM] VAC,N1 !
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9S5SITIVE6
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62LIEVE4 ,M>RIAGES 2GUN ) T5D] ^WS &
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5 6MAKE Y SC>$ ( HOP+4
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  ,LIFE 9 ,GOD'S REIGN IS
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T WAY4

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POPUL>;Y AM;G "Y ,AM]ICAN MALES4 ,!
>TICLE QUOT$ A SOCIOLOGI/ :O ATTRIBUT$
? 6! MALE'S NE$ 6NURTURE4 ,I ?"\ WE 7
DO+ X 6GET \ ( CL1N+ ! H\SE4
  ,I GOT S]I\S AB G>D5+ ! SUMM] MY F/
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& 2GAN S5D+ ME _! CATALOGS4 ,I ORD]$ A
FEW ?+S & ONCE ACTU,Y GOT :AT ,I
ORD]$3 SIXTY />TS ( MYRTLE1 : !
CATALOG DESCRIB$ Z A 8ROBU/1 BR1?-TAK+
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B1UTI;L /& ( MYRTLE "UN1? MY MAPLE
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  ,MY NEI<BORS L 6G>D5 TOO4 ,!Y N ONLY
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DON'T WANT TO4 ,I L 6?9K ( MY Y>D Z A
MELT+ POT4 ,"EY?+ IS WELCOME--ALL !
HU4L$ WE$S YE>N+ 6BR1! FREE4 ,I 3SID]
X A PLACE ( SANCTU>Y1 A SYMBOL (
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FALL MY NEI<BORS' L1VES BL[ 96MY Y>D1
& ? IS MY ONLY WAY 6PAY !M BACK4
  ,I H TWO FL[] B$S 9 MY Y>D4 ,"O IS 9
! MI4LE (! BACKY>D4 ,A BIG S9KHOLE
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SUMM]4 ,!N ,I R1D AN >TICLE AB H[ =E/
FIRES CAUSE WILDFL[]S 6GR[ R1L ?ICK1 S
,I SET ! G>D5 ON FIRE1 &A P9E TREE1 &
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,M>9E MOVIES4 ,!Y VOT$4 ,X 0 UNANIM\S2
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SLEEP4
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               ,EX]CISE

  ,"O 3SEQU;E ( S$5T>Y1 MOD]N LIFE IS
T #GC P]C5T ( U >E OV]WEI<T4 ,Z ,I
WRITE ?1 ,I H 6LET MY BELT \ A NOT* &
UNSNAP MY PANTS4 ,MY WAI/ HAS 9CR1S$
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FIFTE5 P.DS1 MO/ ( X 9 MY /OMA*1 :
MAKES ME RESEM# A SNAKE :O'S 9GE/$ A
SMALL MAMMAL4 ,WORSE YET1 MY WIFE
ISN'T OV]WEI<T4 ,I WI% %E W]E4 ,!N %E
WD PILE FOOD ON MY PLATE & SAY 8,EAT1
EAT60 L !Y D 9 ^? ,ITALIAN MOVIES4
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  ,!N ,I M>RI$ & /OPP$ EX]CIS+4 ,Y
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X NEC 6KEEP MYF FIT & ATTRACTIVE4 ,Y
MI<T 2 "R4 ,:AT"E ! CASE1 ,I DID N
LACE A JO7+ %OE OR CURL A B>BELL =
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  ,9 ! W9T] ( MY ?IRTY-FIF? YE>1 ,I
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MY WIFE1 :O PO9T$ \ T IF ,I 3T9UE
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#DGE P.DS 0MY SEV5TIE? BIR?"D4 ,S ?REE
MORN+S A WEEK ,I G 6! BASE;T & PUMMEL
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,NORDIC,TRACK4 ,NEXT1 ,I LIFT WEI<TS4
,AF "O MON?1 A FA9T BURP (A BICEP HAS
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(! PO/-EX]CISE GL[4 ,ALL ,I FEEL IS
IT*Y & SW1TY & A*Y4 ,EX]CISE IS !
PRICE WE PAY = 9V5T+ LABOR-SAV+
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& *AS$ _! FOOD "? ! WOODS4 ,"S"TS _!
FOOD *AS$ !M4 ,LIFE 0 EXCIT+ BACK !N1
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CORSETS4
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ATTACK$ HM1 & HE DI$4 ,8 DOCTOR SD IF
HE _HN'T BE5 EX]CIS+1 HE'D H DI$ T5
YE>S E>LI]4 ,T'S ! K9D ( ?+ Y'D EXPECT
A DOCTOR 6SAY4 ,I 0 HOP+ A DOCTOR WD
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  ,! ,BI# HAS A LOT ( EX]CISE LANGUAGE
9 X4 ,PAUL SP1KS (! ,*RI/IAN FAI? Z
RUNN+ ! RACE & PRESS+ ON T[>D ! GOAL1
?\< ,I DON'T GET ! IMPRES.N ,PAUL 0
BIG ON EX]CISE4 ,HE 0 TOO BUSY GETT+
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BETT+ ! EX]CISE TALK 0 ,PAUL'S WAY (
REM9D+ U T ! ,*RI/IAN LIFE REQUIRES NO
SMALL AM.T ( "W & 4CIPL9E4
  ,LOT ( TALK ^! "DS AB GRACE & H[
,GOD LOVES & =GIVES U4 ,I 2LIEVE T4 ,I
AL 2LIEVE T :ILE WE LIVE 0GRACE1 A
DAILY DOSE ( S\L EX]CISE N"E HURTS4
,2SS1 ?9K (! B5EFITS--IF WE'RE TOO
BUSY PRAY+1 WE WON'T H "T 6JOG4 ,RATS6

             ,MIS]Y 6,JOY

  ,E TWO YE>S WE HOLD A RUMMAGE SALE
AT \R *UR*4 ,X TAKES T L;G =! MEMORY
(! LA/ RUMMAGE SALE 6FADE4 ,!N A WID[
NE$S "S HELP OR ! MEET+H\SE NE$S FIX$1
& 2F Y "K X WE'RE ROOT+ "? \R CLOSETS1
DI7+ = TR1SURE4
  ,MY WIFE & ,I C'T DONATE M* /UFF 6!
RUMMAGE SALE1 S9CE A LOT (! ?+S WE H 7
GIFTS F \R *UR* FRS4 ,FOLKS GET UPSET
:5 !Y SP5D ?IRTY DOLL>S ON A ,MADONNA
& ,* COOKIE J> AT ,*RI/MAS & SEE Y
SELL+ X FIVE MON?S LAT] = SEV5TY-FIVE
C5TS4
  ,"R 2F \R LA/ SALE1 ,I R1D AN >TICLE
AB H[ TOO _M TOYS C 2 BAD = *N4 ,I "K
X C 2 BAD = _! P>5TS--MY WIFE ?REW H]
BACK \ C>RY+ _! TOY *E/4 ,WE DECID$
WE'D SELL "S ( _! TOYS AT ! RUMMAGE
SALE1 S AF !Y W5T 6B$1 WE GA!R$ UP
"EY?+ !Y _HN'T PLAY$ )=A :ILE & TOOK X
OV] 6! *UR*4 ,!N--& ? W %[ Y H[ SM>T
WE >E--WE TOOK \R *N 6! SALE4 ,^? *UR*
LADIES PLAY H>DBALL4 ,MADE U PAY FULL
PRICE 6GET ^? TOYS BACK4
  ,:ILE WE 7 "!1 WE B"\ "S M /UFF4
,F.D A TOA/] F ! #AIEJ'S4 ,X "WS A
:OLE LOT BETT] ?AN ! "O WE B"\ LA/ YE>
AT ,WAL-,M>T1 : WE'RE GO+ 6DONATE 6!
NEXT RUMMAGE SALE4 ,WE AL B"\ A
,TUPP]W>E CAKE C>RI]4 ,WE DON'T "E
MAKE CAKES1 B X 0 S* A GD D1L WE CDN'T
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  ,"S"O DONAT$ A ,FL[BEE1 S WE B"\ T1
TOO4 ,Y HOOK X UP 6YR VACUUM CL1N]1 &
X CUTS YR HAIR4 ,! BOX SD1 8,Z ,SE5 ON
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YR ?REE-YE>-OLD RUNS SCR1M+ F ! ROOM
:5 Y SWIT* ON ! VACUUM CL1N]4 ,!
,FL[BEE _H ONLY BE5 US$ ONCE4
,BR&-NEW1 X CO/ SEV5TY-FIVE DOLL>S4
,WE PD FIVE BUCKS1 B X CO/ U ANO!R T5
=! B>B] 6MAKE ?+S "R4
  ,A GUY 9 \R *UR* DONAT$ A SET (
B>BELLS4 ,I ?"\ AB BUY+ ^?1 2C MY WIFE
HAS BE5 TELL+ ME ,I NE$ 6/>T A FIT;S
PROGRAM4 ,P]SON,Y1 ,I ?9K ,I'M 9
PRETTY GD %APE4 ,!Y 7 GO+ = T5 BUCKS4
,I WD H B"\ !M1 B ,I CDN'T TALK ANY (!
*UR* LADIES 96C>RY+ !M \ 6MY C>4
  ,WE SOLD \R KIT*5 *AIRS4 ,"O (! *UR*
LADIES B"\ !M AF ,I TOLD H] !Y 7
PRICE.S ANTIQUES =M]LY [N$ 0,ABRAHAM
,L9COLN4 ,ACTU,Y1 WE B"\ !M F ,SPIEGEL
:5 WE F/ GOT M>RI$4 ,WE DIDN'T NE$ !M
ANYMORE1 S9CE WE _H B"\ ANO!R SET (
*AIRS AT AN ANTIQUES /ORE ! WEEK 2F4
,GOT A R1L D1L ON !M4 ,2LIEVE X OR N1
!Y ONCE 2L;G$ 6,GEORGE ,WA%+TON4 ,!
D1L] SWORE 6X ON A /ACK ( ,BI#S4
  ,WE MADE EI<T HUNDR$ DOLL>S4 ,! BE/
D1L WE GOT 0 :5 "O (! *UR* LADIES SD
%E'D DONATE EI<T HUNDR$ DOLL>S IF WE
PROMIS$ N"E 6H ANO!R SALE4 ,B ,I ?9K
RUMMAGE SALES >E A BALM 6! *UR*'S S\L4
,?R[ A GR\P ( FOLKS TGR1 PRIC+ &
SORT+1 & ALL ! LL RIFTS & CRACKS (!
PA/ YE> SEEM 6FADE 9 ! FELL[%IP4 ,NO?+
BR+S FOLKS TGR L A MIS]Y %>$4
  ,! ,BI# IS FULL ( /ORIES ( %>$ MIS]Y
TURN+ 6JOY L :5 ,PAUL & ,SILAS 7
IMPRISON$ 9 A JAIL CELL & !Y 7 S++
S;GS ( PRAISE4 ,T'S :AT TRU/ 9 ,GOD C
D = Y4 ,Y C 2 SURR.D$ 0\TW>D GLOOM B
OV]FL[ ) 9W>D JOY4 ,T'S :Y ,PAUL &
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BUILT-IN EXCUSE = MISS+ _! *UR*'S
RUMMAGE SALE4




            ,TAK+ ,9V5TORY        #ABI

  ,R1D A MAGAZ9E >TICLE N L;G AGO T SD
MI4LE AGE />TS AT ?IRTY-FIVE1 : />TL$
ME1 T 2+ MY NEXT BIR?"D4 ,I TOOK ! TE/
T A3OMPANI$ ! >TICLE1 ?\< ,I DIDN'T
NE$ A TE/ 6TELL ME ,I'M GETT+ OLD]4 ,!
SIGNS >E ALL "!4 ,I NE$ GLASSES 6R1D1
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TE5AG] 6TURN D[N 8 MUSIC1 B N 2F SAY+1
8,IF Y CALL T MUSIC40 ,PLUS1 ,I'M LOS+
HAIR ON MY H1D B GA9+ X 9 MY NOSE4 ,A
FR ASK$ ME IF ,I'VE BE5 SNORT+
,ROGA9E4
  ,DESPITE ^! OBVI\S DRAWBACKS1 AG+
HAS C]TA9 B5EFITS ,I N"E ANTICIPAT$1
A*IEV+ A M1SURE ( 3T5T;T 2+ "O ( !M4
,:5 ,I 0 "Y]1 ,I 0 3SUM$ )! IDEA ( 2+
"KN4 ,I ASPIR$ 6A BIG PULPIT 9 A BIG
C;Y MAK+ A BIG "N = MYF4 ,:AT ,I'VE
GOTT5 9/1D IS A SMALL PULPIT 9 A BIG
C;Y1 MAK+ A LOT ( FRS4 ,"S"TS :AT WE
?9K WE NE$ ISN'T :AT WE NE$ AT ALL4
  ,ANO!R ?+ ,I'VE APPRECIAT$ AB MI4LE
AGE IS MY M>RIAGE4 ,:5 ,JOAN & ,I 7 F/
M>RI$1 WE >GU$ A LOT4 ,N[ T WE'VE BE5
M>RI$ TWELVE YE>S & H TWO *N1 WE
SELDOM >GUE4 ,MO/LY 2C WE'RE TOO TIR$1
B AL 2C \R PRIORITIES H *ANG$4 ,WE'RE
LESS 3C]N$ ) \R 8"RS0 & M 3C]N$ ) \R
8RESPONSIBILITIES40 ,AF ALL1 REL,N%IP1
9 ! 5D1 ISN'T AB GETT+ "O'S WAY4 ,:AT
X IS AB1 ,I'M N YET SURE4 ,ASK ME 9
TWELVE M YE>S4
  ,Z ,I'VE GR[N OLD]1 MY "U/&+ (
HAPPI;S HAS *ANG$4 ,X US$ 6TAKE A NEW
PIECE ( FURNITURE 6MAKE ME HAPPY2 N[
IF ! BOYS >E H1L?Y & ,JOAN & ,I G 6B$
CU4L$ L SPOONS1 T'S AB Z GD Z X GETS4
,:5 X TAKES LESS & LESS 6BE 3T5T1
WE'RE ON \R WAY 6JOY4 ,I DON'T WANT Y
6GET ! IDEA T ,I'M SUP]-HOLY OR ANY?+4
,I'VE J NOTIC$ T P :O TRY H>D 6BE
HAPPY SELDOM >E4 ,2SS1 HAPPI;S BAS$ ON
?+S IS FLEET+--C>S RU/1 &! CAT C\<S UP
A HAIR BALL ON ! NEW C\*4 ,WE'RE BETT]
(F AIM+ = P1CE AT ! C5T]4
  ,! ?+S T US$ 6CAUSE ME WORRY NO L;G]
D4 ,=A L;G "T1 ,I WANT$ "EY"O 6L ME &
US$ 6FRET IF !Y DIDN'T4 ,N[ ,I'M LESS
WORRI$ AB ! GD OP9ION (           #ACA
/RANG]S4 ,ON ! FLIP SIDE1 "! >E O!R P
^: OP9ION ( ME HAS 2COME
ALL-IMPORTANT4 ,P]H ! MO/ SIGNIFICANT
*ANGE 9 AG+ IS ^: OP9ION MATT]S 6Y &
^: OP9ION DOESN'T4 ,IF Y'VE ?"\ AB ?
YRF1 Y'LL "K :AT ,I M1N4
  ,:5 ,I 0 "Y]1 ,I 0 IMPRESS$ 0W1L?1 B
N ANY L;G]4 ,I FIGURE T FOLKS ) M"OY
GOT :AT !Y 7 LOOK+ =4 ,I'M LOOK+ =
"S?+ DI6]5T4 ,MO/LY :AT ,I'M LOOK+ =1
2SS A NOSE HAIR CLIPP]1 IS 6APPRECIATE
:AT ,I H & SAVOR ": ,I AM4 ,"S "DS ,I
MANAGE 6D J T2 "S "DS ,I DON'T4
  ,I WRITE ? AT YE>'S 5D1 ! OBVI\S "T
= RETROSPEC;N1 A GD "T 6-MIT 6PAP] :AT
X IS ,I'VE LE>N$4 ,X GIVES ME A FEEL+
( PROGRESS 6R1LIZE ,I'M N MAK+ ! SAME
DUMB MISTAKES YE> AF YE>4 ,"P ( ? IS
2C ,I NE$ ROOM 6MAKE NEW DUMB
MISTAKES1 B X'S AL 2C "? RETROSPEC;N
,I LE>N :AT HAS "W$ & NE$S RETA9+1 &
:AT HASN'T "W$ & NE$S REL1S+4
  ,9 HI< S*OOL1 ,I "W$ AT A GROC]Y
/ORE4 ,E ,MON"D WE TOOK 9V5TORY 6F9D \
:AT WE _H & :AT WE LACK$4 ,S1 TOO1 9 !
,*RI/IAN LIFE1 %D WE TAKE REGUL>
9V5TORY ( ALL WE >E & ALL ,*RI/
SUMMONS U 6BE4 ,? ,I'M LE>N+ 9 MY
MI4LE YE>S1 9 MY SMALL PULPIT 9 A BIG
C;Y1 AM;G ALL MY _M FRS4

            ,H>DW>E ,H1V5

  ,RAWLEI< ,BAK] [N$ ! H>DW>E /ORE 9
,DANVILLE4 ,HE 0 AL ! LOCAL MORTICIAN4
,\R SMALL T[N CDN'T G5]ATE 5 D1? 6KEEP
! ,BAK]S GA9;LLY EMPLOY$ 9 ! FUN]AL
BUSI;S1 : IS :Y !Y SUPPLE;T$ _! 9COME
)! H>DW>E /ORE4
  ,RAWLEI< DIDN'T MAKE M* M"OY AT !
H>DW>E /ORE 2C HE'D HIRE ANY"O :O NE$$
A JOB4 ,A MAN D[N ON 8 LUCK CD W&] 9 &
FIVE M9UTES LAT] 2 TY+ ON AN APRON &
WEI<+ NAILS4 ,RAWLEI< N"E HIR$ A WOMAN
6"W 9 ! /ORE1 "K+ MO/ M5 WDN'T DR1M (
ASK+ A WOMAN1 8,N[ %D ,I USE A FLAT
WA%] OR A LOCK WA%] ) ?80 ,=! SAME
R1SON1 ,MRS4 ,M+LE N"E HIR$ A MAN 6"W
9 H] DRESS %OP4 ,? 0 BACK 9 ! "DS :5 Y
CD S5SIBLY 4CRIM9ATE )\T GETT+    #ACC
SU$4
  ,"O GLORI\S F1TURE ( ,BAK]S ,H>DW>E
0 T Y CD BUY J "O ( :AT Y NE$$4 ,N L;G
AGO ,I REQUIR$ "O BOLT 6REPAIR MY
SON'S BICYCLE1 B _H 6BUY A PACKAGE (
TWELVE BOLTS 6GET ! "O4 ,I'LL N"E USE
! O!R ELEV5 BOLTS1 B PD 4#B.EJ = !M &
WON'T ?R[ !M AWAY4 ,I PUT !M 9 MY
"W%OP NEXT 6A PACKAGE ( ELEV5 SCREWS4
,I'VE REC5TLY -E ACR A SMALL H>DW>E
/ORE : SELLS 9DIVIDUAL NUTS & BOLTS4
,:5 ,I'M FEEL+ NO/ALGIC1 ,I SAUNT] IN1
PL9K MY DIME ON ! C.T]1 & ORD] "O
BOLT4 ,! [N] DEPOSITS X 9 A SMALL PAP]
BAG1 FOLDS ! TOP1 & H&S X 6ME ) 8 WI%
=A GD "D4 ,I WI% E BUSI;S TRANSAC;N 7
Z 3G5IAL4
  ,TRU/ 0 OP]ATIVE AT ,BAK]'S4 ,IF Y
TOLD ,LES1 ! C.T]MAN1 Y _H T5 SCREWS
AT ?REE C5TS EA*1 YR ^W SU6IC$4 8,T'LL
2 ?IRTY C5TS10 HE'D SAY1 8PLUS A P5NY
= ,UNCLE ,SAM40 ,RAWLEI< ONCE HIR$ A
MAN :O C.T$ \R PUR*ASES R ?AN TAKE \R
^W ON !M4 ,? 0 AN EMB>RASS;T & MADE U
FEEL IMMORAL1 Z IF WE'D BE5 CAU<T 0!
,R"E5D ,TAYLOR BUY+ A TOP-%ELF MAGAZ9E
AT ! ,REXALL4
  ,BAK]S TOOK CA%1 *ECK1 OR *>GE4 ,BY
8*>GE0 ,I DON'T M1N ,MA/],C>D OR
,VISA4 ,I M1N TELL+ ,LES 6*>GE X 6YR
A3.T1 : Y WD SETTLE AT MON?'S 5D4 ,MY
"DS Z A FREE:EEL+ SP5D] 2GAN :5 ,I
LE>N$ AB *>G+4 ,I 0 ELEV5 YE>S OLD &
W5T 96,BAK]S1 PICK$ UP A POCKETKNIFE1
& ASK$ ,LES 6*>GE X 6MY "F'S A3.T4 ,I
FELT T]RIBLY IMPORTANT SCRAWL+ MY "N
ON ! BOTTOM (! NOTE4 ,MY "DS Z A
FREE:EEL+ SP5D] CAME 6AN ABRUPT 5D :5
MY "F GOT ! BILL4
  ,I CAME 0MY NICK"N AT ,BAK]S4 ,I _H
G"O "! 6BUY "S F;E /APLES &1 )\T "K+
:AT !Y 7 CALL$1 ASK$ ,LES ": !Y KEPT !
;U-NAILS4 ,HE />T$ LAU<+ & ASK$ ME :AT
A ;U-NAIL WAS4 ,AF T1 :5"E ,I WALK$
IN1 HE'D CALL \1 8,"H -ES OLD
;,U-NAIL60 ,T'S ! CURSE ( 2+ F A SMALL
T[N4 ,I CD G (F & GET A DOCTORATE 9
NUCLE> PHYSICS1 -E BACK HOME1 & / 2
"KN Z ! MAN TOO DUMB 6"K :AT F;E
/APLES >E CALL$4                  #ACE
  ,BAK]'S CLOS$ D[N A FEW YE>S AF ,I
LEFT HOME4 ,"O ( ^? H>DW>E *A9S L;G ON
LAWN *AIRS & BOLTS-BY-!-DOZ5 MOV$ IN1
& ,BRUCE1 ,RAWLEI<'S BOY1 DIDN'T FEEL
L DO+ BATTLE4 ,! NEW H>DW>E /ORE
DOESN'T H WOOD5 FLOORS1 &! C.T]P]SON
DOESN'T CALL \ YR "N :5 Y WALK 9 !
DOOR4 ,!Y DON'T GIVE CR$IT1 EI4
  ,"S"TS P ASK ME :AT ,I ?9K H1V5 IS
L4 ,I TELL !M X HAS WOOD FLOORS & Y
GET :AT Y NE$ )A M9IMUM ( FUSS4 ,!
C.T]MAN N ONLY "KS YR "N1 B YR DA4Y'S1
& C EV5 RECALL :5 YR "M 0 9 HI< S*OOL
& DAT$ ,H]B]T ,RI7LE1 :O PLAY$ C5T] ON
! #'EC T1M T WON ! SEC;NALS4
  ,TRU/ AB.DS "!4 ,& FELL[%IP S W>M &
GRACI\S Y CD L+] ="E--: Y C4

           ,FAMILY ,VALUES

  ,F/1 LET ME SAY T ,I AM A BIG 2LIEV]
9 ! FAMILY4 ,\R C.TRY IS ONLY Z GD Z
XS FAMILIES4 ,I AM =! FAMILY4 ,9 FACT1
,I ?9K "EY"O "\ 62L;G 6A FAMILY4
,NATUR,Y1 BY 8FAMILY0 ,I M1N "O HUSB&1
"O WIFE1 & TWO *N4 ,IF ! WIFE C /AY
HOME )! KIDS T WD 2 NICE4 ,& IF !Y C
LIVE 9 ! SUBURBS1 T'S EV5 BETT]4 ,J L
ON ..,L1VE ,X 6.,B1V]4 ,N[ T 0 A
FAMILY6
  ,A LOT ( P ?9K FAMILIES >E 9 TR\# 2C
WOM5 "W \TSIDE ! HOME4 ,"!'S "S?+ 6T1
& ,I ?9K ,3GRESS "\ 6HOLD A HE>+ ON :Y
WE LET X HAPP54 ,IF ,I REMEMB] "R1 ?
TR5D />T$ )! ADV5T (! \TBO>D MOTOR4
,M51 :O _H BE5 3T5T 6/AY HOME ON !
WEEK5DS & BUILD BIRDH\SES 9 ! G>AGE1
WANT$ 6SP5D WEEK5DS AT ! LAKE4 ,B
BOATS CO/ M"OY4 ,LOTS ( M"OY4 ,M M"OY
?AN MO/ M5 MAKE4 ,S WE 5C\RAG$ \R
WIVES 65T] ! "W =CE4 ,!Y WDN'T H 6E>N
A LOT1 J 5 6BUY A NICE BOAT4 ,LET'S
SAY SIXTY-SEV5 C5TS 6\R DOLL>4 ,S WOM5
/>T$ "W+1 & "EY?+ FELL A"P4
  ,MY FELL[ ,AM]ICANS1 \R TASK IS
CLE>4 ,IF WE WANT 6RE/ORE FAMILY
VALUES1 WE >E GO+ 6H D "S?+ AB ! RIS+
CO/ ( BOATS4 ,:AT ,I PROPOSE IS ELECT+
POLITICIANS )! C\RAGE & 3VIC;N 65ACT
BOAT SUBSIDIES =! AV]AGE          #ACG
,AM]ICAN FAMILY4 ,9/1D ( ?R[+ ALL \R
M"OY AWAY ON WELF>E1 LET'S GET 6! ROOT
( ,AM]ICA'S R1L PRO#M--SKYROCKET+ BOAT
PRICES6 ,I ?9K *UR*ES "\ 6GET 2H ?4
,AF ALL1 ,JESUS SP5T A LOT ( "T ON
BOATS4
  ,EV5TU,Y1 WE'RE GO+ 6WANT 6PASS A
LAW AB G>AGE SIZES S T "EY"O W H 5
ROOM 6/ORE _! BOATS4 ,NO?+ TRA%ES A
NEI<BORHOOD QK] ?AN A BUN* ( BOATS
SITT+ >.D 9 DRIVEWAYS4 ,S ,I'M LOOK+
=A POLITICIAN :O W PROMISE 6PUT A BOAT
9 E G>AGE4 ,& IF Y'RE S]I\S AB FAMILY
VALUES1 Y'LL JO9 MY CRUSADE4
  ,OBVI\SLY1 ,I'M KI4+1 EXCEPT = :AT
,I SD AB BOATS CO/+ LOTS ( M"OY4 ,B "S
(! O!R SOLU;NS ,I HE> SEEM J Z SILLY4
,WE REQUIRE S*OOLS 6T1* FAMILY VALUES4
,WE DEM& T POLITICIANS LEGISLATE
FAMILY VALUES4 ,WE EV5 EXPECT
,HOLLYWOOD 6PROMOTE FAMILY VALUES4
,"EY"O IS SUPPOS$ 69/ILL FAMILY
VALUES1 EXCEPT = FAMILIES4
  ,LET'S TAKE X F ! TOP4 ,S*OOLS >E "H
6$UCATE4 ,POLITICIANS >E "H 6GOV]N4
,HOLLYWOOD IS "H 6MAKE M"OY4 ,B
FAMILIES >E "H 6NURTURE1 6LOVE1
6SUPPORT1 & 7D>E ,I SAY X87 9/ILL
VALUES4
  ,S H[ D WE PASS ON VALUES8 ,WE
PRACTICE !M Z P>5TS4 ,SIMPLE4 ,B H>D4
,3SI/5CY IS ! KEY4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* P1CE1 MODEL =GIVE;S4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* AB/9;E F DRUGS1
EMPTY YR LIQUOR CAB9ET4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* 9TEGR;Y1 KEEP YR ^W4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* ?RIFT1 PRACTICE
SIMPLIC;Y4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* SEXUAL PUR;Y1 DON'T
*1T ON YR SP\SE4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* -PAS.N1 RE9 9 YR
JUDG;T4
  ,IF Y WANT 6T1* M]CY1 2 M]CI;L4
  ,& TAKE YR *N 6*UR*--A GD1 H1L?Y
*UR* ": LOVE & -PAS.N >E N ONLY PR1*$1
B PRACTIC$4
  ,FAMILY VALUES4 ,!Y'RE FREE1 B !Y
CO/4 ,EV5 M ?AN BOATS4

  ,9 A4I;N 6WRIT+1 ,PHILIP        #ACI
,GULLEY 5JOYS A M9I/RY ( SP1K+4 ,IF Y
WD L M 9=M,N1 PL1SE 3TACT3

,MR4 ,DAVID ,LEON>DS
#CFAB ,NOR? ,WA%+TON ,B\LEV>D
,9DIANAPOLIS1 ,9DIANA #DFBJE-CEIB
7#CAG7 #IBF-GEFF
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